Here’s my update on my “no buy challenge.” Almost 2 weeks ago I challenged myself, here, to make no purchases for one month, except for groceries and food items. For the first week, I’d say I did pretty well. My purchases included 3 trips to the grocery store (I’m learning that we eat a lot more than I thought we did), a payment to my therapist (who happens to be out of network but who is amazing and really understands postpartum depression), our organic dry-cleaning (a yearly cost that included 2 coats that I’ve worn forever and our down comforter which I’ll pack away for next winter), coffee house outings with the kids, and a lens repair. At the end of the week, again, a good deal of money had been spent even though no material items had made their way into our home. On the one hand, I felt proud that I could go for a period of time without buying “things,” and yet, on the other hand, I could see that it does cost a substantial amount of money to simply “live” through a week. While I reasoned that the kids and I could give up our coffee house outings, I think I would regret meeting up with other moms and their kids, in an open zone where no kid can proclaim, “Mine!” Lucky for us moms, the owner of the coffee house provides quite a setup of toys for the kids, which keeps them occupied and out of conflict (with each other) for an hour or more.

During the first week, when I wasn’t shopping, I found myself organizing, painting, hanging pictures, tidying up my patio and pot garden, (hooray for spring!) and playing outside. Pat, pat, pat, pat. Sort of. I wouldn’t say I was blissfully being more productive. I missed wandering around Target, the Goodwill, and book shops. I missed the little high I get whenever I find something that will spruce up our house or looks cute on the kids. And what I learned is that I do, on some level, use shopping as an outlet for my nerves. It makes me feel happy. And biologically speaking, women are gatherers, right?

Meanwhile, my husband and I met with a financial planner. That was scary. She talked with us about putting money aside for our vacations, for our kids’ education, and I kid you not, she said, “You can even plan for your children’s retirement.” What? This is new territory for me. Growing up, my parents were throwing their hands up in the air trying to figure out how to send 3 kids to college; because my husband and I are both first generation college graduates, I thought we were doing our children a favor by setting up college funds for them. After the financial planner left, my husband and I looked at each other and agreed, “Plan for our kids retirement? We’ll help them through college . . . maybe grad school . . . but hell, we’ll likely be dead by the time they retire.” We love our kids, we do. But, making sure that they have money to retire? Isn’t that their responsibility?

What we did find helpful from the meeting is that our f.p. wants us to sit down and draw up a budget. Previously, I believed that ignorance is bliss, financially speaking. My approach to money prior to ppd. was that the best way to save money was not to spend it . . . at all. While such an approach may indeed result in savings, such a lifestyle, for me, was loaded with unnecessary guilt every time I did make a purchase. Because I am now focusing on living a happier life (and one that is free of guilt and fear), I want to be able to live, do, and spend in an empowered way. Right now I am not the primary earner in our household; that used to be a big source of guilt for me. However, when I fell apart 4 weeks after Levi was born, and I watched my family, my husband, and neighbors pull together to help care for my children, I saw with my very eyes just how much energy and love goes into accomplishing the work I do, which is, raising my children. I do not mean to imply that I am somehow now entitled to material things. I’m not. But what I am sharing is that my outlook has shifted: I can spend money with intention, I can spend money and enjoy it. I can spend money in a responsible way and feel good about myself.

So this week, I plan to continue tracking my spending. For me, making a note each time I spend a dollar helps me to be mindful of purchases and the amount of money spent. I tell my husband that in a lot of ways it is like keeping a food diary (while pregnant, I journaled my diet to make sure I took in enough protein, and postpartum, I tracked my diet to make sure I was eating healthy fats and again, getting enough protein). What I’m really excited about with our new budget is that we’re actually including categories like seasonal clothing, gardening tools and flowers, art supplies, and miscellaneous items like donations and gifts (among categories like our children’s education, our retirement, and family vacations).

As an amendment to my original challenge, I’ve decided that I will buy nothing without intention . . . which means no “oh that’s cute” purchases, just what we’ve planned to spend on. What about you? Is budgeting a part of your life? And on another level, what are your feelings about money? Do you spend with intention?

Today we woke up early and met up with friends for a playdate at the botanical gardens. I couldn’t help myself. I felt like a kid in a candy shop. Too much beauty to take in. Fragrant everywhere.

With Levi strapped onto my back, I squatted, leaned, and held my breath. Snap, snap, snap. And then, “Hey, Levi! Stop pulling my hair!”

I added my favorites to my portfolio. They are in the floral gallery.

Weeks ago when I started reading Chris Orwig’s Digital Poetry, and ideas for designing a home photography course were just brewing within me, I asked myself, as Chris does in Digital Poetry, what inspires me.   I jotted down a list, just off the top of my head, of what makes me want to “go.”  Here is what I came up with some ten weeks ago:

What inspires me,

old photographs, blurry photographs, in focus, good and bad composition, beautiful photographs

yoga; observing and being in the crane and upward dog pose, I feel so strong,

breathing in and out practicing yoga by myself or with my daughter, looking out our back windows and snow covered trees,

smiling back at Levi’s toothless grin; I can’t get enough of his sloppy kisses too,

the power in my husband’s eyes, their darkness, their emotion,

my best friend, her life amazes me, her work inspires me,

other photographers . . . .

Ten weeks later, I look back and find inspiration in these sources, and I feel so lucky because so much else inspires me too . . . it as though once I started down this path, this study of framing and composing a picture, that inspiration abounds; it is everywhere.  With access to the internet and connection with other photographers and bloggers, I find inspiration too. While reading your posts, I found the following inspirational:

Bluebirdbaby’s “Thankful for . . .”

little red buttons‘ amazing photos

Mama-om’s insightful thoughts on kids and junk

this poem published over at Serene Journey

and this photographer. I can only say that I am in love.

What else?  My kids, of course.  Your kids too.  I love kids; uh, let me rephrase: I love your kids when you’re with them.  What doesn’t inspire me . . . being the watchful eye (er, discipline) for other peoples’ kids . . . but I do love kids.  They’re curiosity, their innocence, their energy . . . yes, even their tantrums and what some parents call “spiritedness.”  I love it all.

Last, I will leave you with this photo, which I took over the weekend at a bookstore.  I just love their little feet too.

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Last, if you’d like to join me in my home photography course, here is a PDF of my syllabus.  Leave a comment or e-mail me at jessicamonte@jessicamonte.com to let me know if you have any questions.  I’d love to study with you!

It all started under the dome shaped dryer at Bubbles.  I was there getting my hair highlighted.  My stylist had just finished foiling my hair and had lead me over to the row of dryers where I’d spend some ten or fifteen minutes waiting.  Since I currently do not like to be alone with my thoughts (I think I’ve mentioned this here before . . . inactivity makes me uncomfortable) and because I am a chatterbox, I made a few phone calls.  Yes, I made phone calls from under the dryer.  I scheduled a physical, called my husband, and even left a message for my mother.  When these calls were done, alone with my thoughts, I picked up a magazine.  I flipped the pages of Vanity Fair reading about beauty treatments, fashion, health, and then stumbled upon an article by Suze Orman.  I have to be honest, I’m not sure why I read the article.  I don’t much care for thinking about money; in fact, my family’s finances are handled almost entirely by my husband.  Anyway, Suze wrote about taking control of my finances in 2010, or 2009, I can’t remember if it was an old or new copy.  Again, I don’t usually like to think, talk about, or reflect on money.  My role in our family tends to be that of “investor.”  I invest in kids’ toys, chocolate milk, home ware, cleaning products, beauty products, health products, music, food, and if possible, camera equipment.

I wasn’t always like this.  Ten years ago, I remember saving every dollar and penny I earned from my multiple jobs for a rainy day.  I didn’t know what my rainy day would involve, but I just wanted to make sure that should I need it, I’d have a few dollars saved up.  When it came to clothes, I shopped at second hand shops, wore my sister and mother’s hand-me-downs, and waited until holidays for new items.  I often refer to this stage in my life as “my ascetism.”   I wasn’t exactly the happiest person during this time in my life; I felt disconnected, in a way, from other people.  At least where I grew up (here in the United States), materialism is a way of life.  By barring myself of having things, I noticed that I felt “different.”   Even my father, who I remember as being, let’s say, attentive to our family’s finances, asked me to to lighten up and enjoy life a little bit.  He said I needed to live my life.  I was in my early twenties, feeling philosophical, doubtful, and worried.  I didn’t know what “live” meant.

I won’t say that I miraculously changed overnight.  There was a period, probably early in my relationship with my husband, when I would allow myself to have things here and there. I remember getting a pedicure, trying to enjoy the experience, feeling riddled with guilt the entire time.  A few months before we were engaged, my husband invited me to attend a vacation wedding with him at a resort in Jamaica.  The entire time we were there, I complained that I didn’t like having people wait on me.  I didn’t want someone to bring me a glass of champagne.  If I wanted champagne, I would get a glass for myself.  He says I nearly ruined that trip.  While I regret being unappreciative of the great gift he was giving me (a chance to see a new place, meet new people, observe wildlife, and spend time with him), I suspect that my inability to enjoy the gift had something to do with my family background: I grew up in a working class family.  Both my parents worked long and hard hours; if either my sister and I wanted something, we worked for it.   Accepting gifts somehow seemed wrong.

When I became a mother and became environmentally concerned (conscious), I returned, on some levels, to the a life style I’d known  years earlier: the life of making do without.   In part, I think I felt incredibly lucky to be at home with my daughter; I knew that being with her for all the small moments was priceless . . . and yet, again, I felt uncomfortable with accepting the gift my husband was giving me, giving my daughter too: the gift of time.   Time for her to have her mother’s attention, time for me to just spend hours staring at my baby.  At the same time, I wanted to make sure that I wasn’t enjoying my time at home too much.  Even now, when I walk through my house picking up toys, socks, and dishes and bowls left here and there, I think to myself, this is how I am serving the world: I am serving my family.

But again, I wonder, do I take it too far?  During my first two years at home with Annabelle, I shopped only at secondhand shops and would only welcome “brand spanking new” items into my life when they were gifts.  I’m not claiming that I was some kind of saint or anything, but I do know that I’d even wait until the holidays for new underwear because I knew that my mother would buy me a few pairs . . .  I wanted to save money, reduce my impact upon our planet, and feel good in that I didn’t “need” anything.

The truth was and is that I do have needs.  We all do.  As you might’ve noticed in recent posts, I have, to some extent, done a 180.  I no longer have an aversion to shopping. My husband might say that that is an understatement.  I accept that I every now and again I want to treat myself to Starbucks and a pair of new earrings.  Many of my therapy sessions in these past six months have dealt with the fact that I have trouble giving to myself.  At one session, I remember my therapist clapping her hands because I told her that on a whim, I walked into Victoria’s Secret and bought myself a bra and underwear.  I even came home with a fragrance.

Over time, though, in these most recent months, I worry that I have become too comfortable with spending money: I’ve become a shopping queen.  To find out just how much I am spending, I tracked all of my expenses for the past 2 weeks.  I really didn’t think it would be so bad, but I’ve got to tell you, I could not believe how much money I’d spent!  Items purchased included a new bedspread, new carmats, childcare, highlights and a haircut (where Suze Orman made me get all financially-aware and everything), lots of chocolate milk and tea (on outings with the kids), Annabelle’s ballet class, books . . . I’d spent a small fortune.  During two weeks time, I’d spent enough to buy a decent lens for my camera.

So I dialed up my best friend and told her.   She too enjoys shopping.  We like to shop together.  We find neat things together.  But lately, even she has commented that shopping can get out of control.  She immediately reminded me of Crunchy Chicken’s Buy Nothing Challenge, which I’d participated in a few summers ago.   During that summer month, I abstained from any non-food purchase.  If I remember correctly, my husband even felt annoyed with me because I was participating in the challenge during one of our family vacations and I made a huge deal about not buying anything.

To get to my point, I am going to once again participate in a month of not buying anything.  While I am not going to set up a challenge like the Crunchy Chicken has done, I will invite you to encourage me, join me, or just leave your 2 cents as I embark on a month long adventure of saying no to stuff.   My plan is to write down all the items that I think that I want to buy and to then evaluate my list at the end of the month.  I’m pretty sure that I won’t have needed nor wanted all that is on the list by the end of the month.

P.S.  I’ve asked my husband to be supportive, and I know, with great certainty, that he’s pretty happy I am challenging myself to reign in my spending.  That said, I do not want to not do for myself . . . know what I’m saying?

Moderation is key.

So, Annabelle and I have started “dating.”  Each week, for one hour, she and I spend time together doing mom and daughter stuff, one-on-one.  We usually leave the house; we’ll go to the library, book stores, coffee houses, the grocery store, the thrift shop, Target, wherever  . . .  our date often includes one chocolate milk (for her) and one peppermint tea (for me) and lots of giggling (both of us).  It’s sort of like our days pre-Levi, except that it’s not . . . we know that we get to go home to her brother and dad and have a good time talking about what she and I did together.

As we drove home from one of our recent outings, I asked her a few questions about our dates.  First, I asked her, “Annabelle, did you have fun on our date?”

From the backseat, she yelled, “Yeah!”

I asked, “What did you like about our date?”  We’d run errands to the pharmacy and grocery store.  I bought her bubble gum tape.  She said, “Um, I liked C.V.S.   I like my new gum.”

Then I asked, “Do you like going on dates with Mommy?”

“Yeah!”

“Do you know what a date is?”

A pause.  ”Yes.”

“Well . . . ”

“It’s when Mommy and Annabelle go on a date,” she announced with a huge grin.

“Okay, yeah, it’s sort of like that.  But, what else?  Is it special?”

“Yeah! Only Mommy and Annabelle go.  No Levi.  No Daddy.  Just Mommy and me.”

It sounded to me like she understood that “dates” are special times when two people spend time together.  So I asked her, “Do you want to go on a date with anyone else?”

“Uh . . . yeah!  I want to go with Nanna.  First, she can take me to the bookstore and the train table.  And then we can go to the park and then I can get a pop-is-pop [Annabelle's word for popsicle].  Mommy, do you think we could do that?”

“I think so,” I said.  My mom is supposed to be in town in another few weeks; I’m thinking her Nanna would a date with her granddaughter.  I know I’m enjoying these special girls-only outings.

They tend to look something like this:

Over the past 6 months, it seems I’m doing a lot of thinking (and writing) about where my life is going; I’ve questioned what role I am fulfilling in my day to day life, what role I want to fill, what makes me happy, how I can help others, and logistically, how I can meet my needs and those of my loved ones in a responsible way.  Believe me, asking myself these kinds of questions and searching for the answers to them is not exactly easy.  What I have learned, though, is that my roles as both mother and wife are priorities in my life; the work that I do and the passions I pursue, should, ideally, enrich my mothering and build my life with my husband.  Fortunately, at this time in my life, our family is able for me to approach life with this outlook; because my husband earns enough to support our family, any income I earn supplements what our family can do, as well as allows me to pursue my passions: like blogging and writing and photography.

Because my passions for blogging/writing and photography enrich my life, I believe that I am a more capable and enthusiastic mother.  I have talked with so many mothers, both working (either full time or part-time) and at home, about how they maintain a personal balance: how to meet the challenges of day to day mothering and work and still find the energy to take good care of themselves.  Each woman seems to have her own answer; some say they scrapbook, practice yoga, pursue a creative hobby (like photography or design), exercise, or volunteer.   Currently, I try to meet my personal needs by exercising daily (with a 10 minute yoga practice), taking mommy time-outs (literally telling my 3 year old, when a situation is overwhelming me, that I am putting myself into a T-O), getting haircuts (and the occasional facial or massage . . . two luxuries that I have only recently discovered), meeting with friends, volunteering as an AP support group leader and going on monthly dates with my husband.  Of course, taking daily photos or learning something photography related, as well as writing and blogging, help me keep a positive, flexible outlook.  I admit: once upon a time (as a fresh M.A. graduate who was opting out of the traditional academic path so that I could be a stay at home mom), I worried that my mind would turn into “goo.”   Since learning brings me so much joy, I remember thinking that I needed to keep reading: so I read everything and anything that I could about parenting.  Eventually, I found a genre of parenting books that resonated with how I wanted to parent (attachment or gentle parenting related).  My list of parenting books grew and grew.   When I applied to be a support group leader for Attachment Parenting International, I delved deeper still into gentle parenting literature.

The more I read and thought about being a good parent, the more I began to think about the world my daughter was living in.  I’ve mentioned this time and time again on my blog: my care for the environment began with my love and care for my daughter.  Again, I read whatever I could get my hands on that dealt with the environment, as well as lifestyle changes I could make to be a better caretaker (of it).   Among the many wonderful blogs listed on my “Community” page are those that deal almost entirely with the environment.  I read these blogs weekly.  They never fail to inspire me and challenge me.

So, as my passion for photography evolves, I again find myself hungry for books.  This time I reading anything and everything dealing with photography, digital photography, and photographers.  They are so many subtopics to explore and I am only just beginning my journey as a student of photography: this both excites and overwhelms me.

I put together a reading page to share with you.  Topics include: parenting, photography, and environmentalism.  I’ve only started listing the books I have read, and I am looking for more title suggestions.  Will you help me grow my reading list?  Areas where I could expand my horizons a bit more include both the environment and photography.  I’d love to hear suggestions!

Last, regarding the former topic in this post, first, do you think that you take good care of yourself?  In what ways do you make time to nurture the person you are?  Last, do you think that taking good care of ourselves helps us to be better mothers/workers/citizens?  I’d love to hear your thoughts.

I have good news. On Saturday I assisted my mentor, Melody Yazdani, at a wedding! I couldn’t have been more excited, more nervous, and more grateful. I loved it. I learned so much. Melody helped me approach the evening with practicality, skill, professionalism, and enthusiasm too. Before the shoot, we cleaned our equipment, checked out batteries, and talked about what equipment she and I would be using. She talked with me about where to stand, possible photo ideas, and dress code (we both wore black).

Because the bride and groom were surprising their friends with the wedding (it was a small and intimate event), we needed to be discreet with our arrival. I have to confess that I did have butterflies in my stomach as we circled their neighborhood waiting for all of their guests to arrive. Once it was time, we rang their bell and entered the house, with our cameras around our necks, carrying the rest of our equipment. Since the wedding was held at night and inside, we needed to work with the available light and use flash.

Here’s where I struggled. Months ago I purchased a speed light for my camera. When I worked with my SB-600, I sometimes found that I got good results and other times, my photos disappointed me. I have said time and time again that I dislike working with a flash, however, given the opportunity to start working as a photographer, I was willing to do whatever I needed to do. So, when Melody told me I needed to use flash, I said okay, “No problem.” Well, I adjusted my ISO, set the camera at aperture control and began photographing the bride, the groom, their guests, and their celebrant. However, when I viewed the photos, I couldn’t believe how discolored and overexposed they were. A disaster! I quickly told Melody that I was having trouble with my flash and she stayed on her toes and told me, “Just go without it.” So, I shot much of the wedding using a very high ISO and alternating with my on-camera flash.

Lesson learned. On Sunday, I pulled out my camera manual and read, read, read. I scanned my controls and tried out different options with my flash controls. I told myself, “I am going to shoot with flash until I get flash.” I want to be a photographer, and I really don’t think that there’s any getting around learning to use additional light sources (I rely entirely on natural light for my photos). So today when Annabelle, Levi and I attended Annabelle’s ballet class, I brought my camera and flash and got all sorts of trigger happy. On a side note, some of the other parents commented to me, “Wow, that looks like a real camera.” I smiled and said, “Well, it is a real camera.” I photographed one mother’s little girl and she approached me about doing family portraits for them. Of course, I accepted. Now I just need to convince my husband to have another daddy-kid date. For the wedding, he took the kids to a birthday party and said everyone had a fine time. I was just happy they survived, ;-)

Below are a few pictures I shot today, using my Nikon d90 and SB-600, at Annabelle’s class. Additional photos from our day may be viewed over at my flickr account.

Today, Levi, 6 months ago, I gave birth to you, upstairs, in my bed.

You surprised me.  I couldn’t believe how broad, how big, how full of joy you were.

It wasn’t an easy birth.  Hard work. On my hands and knees.  Wondering why and how

I had let myself find myself in such a place.  Hard work.  An amazing place.

I pulled from within, deep from within, and you were born.  My first baby boy.

Today, Levi, at 6 months old, you inch forward, pressing your toes into the floor.

You press your chest and head up and reach for your toys.  You smile at me.

When we part, you now cry.  It didn’t used to be that way.  I guess separation anxiety is setting in.

Because your zest for life and discovery is so strong, I am surprised when Kristina tells me you refuse to eat while I am away.

I guess we are still just as connected, just as attached to each other, as your sister and I . . . even though I bottle nurse you,

even though . . .

I am so proud that we made it to this day.  I am so proud of you.  I look at you and feel joy, gratitude, and amazement.

These 6 months with you, have been, an amazing adventure.

And so, I get it.  I understand why, while washing the dishes, and listening to this song, I feel tears in my throat.

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Grandma, Nanna, and everyone else, there are more photos here, of Levi, at 6 months old.  Can you believe we made it?

We’ve been busy. Over these past 4 days, our family has:

1. Celebrated my and my husband’s 5 year wedding anniversary.

2. Welcomed my mom, her fiance Joe, my sister Casey and my nephew Jackson into town. I amazed myself because I didn’t clean . . . this is actually a big deal for uptight, A-personality, “my house must be immaculate”-me.

3. Wished a belated birthday to Annabelle, who turned 3 in December . . . yes, we celebrated her birthday with a cake on her actual birthdate but didn’t actually gather friends and family together until this past Saturday.

4. Shoveled and salted more snow . . .it just keeps coming. More snow tonight!

5. Gone sledding on our neighborhood’s luge. My hubby is busy at work maintaing it.

6. Eaten lots and lots of chocolate. My favorite is dark chocolate, my hubby likes peanut butter cups and Annabelle will eat anything made from sugar. Seriously. My little girl is not picky.

7. Watched the 2010 Winter Olympics. The athletes amaze and inspire me! I just viewed the performance by a Russian skater who gave up her Japanese citizenship for sake of making it to the Olympics. The things people will do to make their dreams come true!

Below is a picture of Levi visiting with his Nanna (my mom). They are so adorable together. I posted more pictures over at my flickr account. So, how was your Valentine’s Day? Chocolate? Love? Celebrating? Or, low key and simple?

I’ve just updated my “Characters” page.  I think it works.  If you wanna check it out, you can just click on it in the menu, or go here.  It’s sort of an interview with me, you know, like if we were dating, :-)