With Levi’s first birthday less than a month away, I decided to put together a slideshow of his first year here on planet Earth. For the last week or so, my hubby’s been taking the kids outside for a half hour to an hour so that I could review, organize, re-edit, and pull together my favorite photos from our first twelve months together. What I notice is that the number of photos increases somewhere around Levi’s fourth or fifth month, which I think corresponds with when life with two babes and ppd started to improve for me. The urge to be snap snap snap happy returned (I remember forcing my family to sit in front of the wreathes at Whole Foods and asking a bypasser to photograph us after I’d set up my camera. My hubby endures a lot, :-) ).

Anyway, I wanted to photograph Levi with and without an adorable little boy outfit on (they are hard to come by after all). I wanted to remember his pudgy baby thighs, butt, little belly, arms and legs, and oh of course, his adorable chubby baby cheeks. And now, my little bear has six teeth!

Meanwhile, Annabelle is snapping away with her own camera. She’s more enthusiastic about photographing flowers, our home, and her feet than her baby brother, but I have to say she makes a fine assistant. Most of the photos where Levi is smiling, I owe to her.

And some in a cute outfit that I searched high and low for. What’s up with the abundance of cute girl clothes and the shortage of cute boy clothes? Little boys need cute clothes too!

A few weeks ago, a good friend of mine told me that she and her family spend a few minutes each night sharing 5 good moments from their days.  She wanted to encourage gratitude and positive thinking at the end of the day.  I thought about  how I and my family could benefit from this positive end of day ritual and how it could help us to communicate more too.  So, I tried it out this past Friday night at dinner.  Among our list of good moments were:

“My tea time date with Mommy”

“Waking up in time for yoga”

“Free lunch”

“Climbing to the top of the stairs” (we ad libbed for Levi)

“Jumping on the moon bounce”

“Taking a nap”

******

As I look back over the week, I remember so many good moments.  Mostly I feel as though I’m in a bit of “achievement” mode; setting many mini goals  and pushing myself to reach further and yet do so with balance and restraint.  This week, I feel good that:

1. Postpartum Support Reston is up and running!  We had our first meeting, took care of some basic organization, and are planning on sending out educational packets and advertisements to local doctors’ offices.  Oh  my goodness, I cannot tell you how happy I am that this group exists.

2. I finally read through my Yoga Bible, made index cards of asanas (or poses) that I practice frequently, and am studying the sanskrit names too.  I’m also watching a therapeutic yoga series that includes lessons on anatomy as well as healing and preventative practices for a wide range of injuries, etc.

3. I am making time for my Attachment Parenting Support Group responsibilities, like filing our yearly financial report, setting up and preparing for meetings in a space that is child safe and friendly, including engaging activities for kids, and more space for mamas to talk with and support each other.  I’m also learning to speak up and let my co-leaders know when I need to step back and let go of responsibility.  Because I want to be involved a wide range of activities, above all else mothering and my relationship with my husband, it makes sense to me that I am honest with myself and others about what I can and cannot do.  I need to say, “Yes, I can do this,” and be comfortable with saying, “No, I can’t accomplish x, y, z.”  And that’s okay.

4. Clients are setting up sessions with me!  I’ve updated my portfolio and added a slideshow to my webpage as well.  I added music, which only plays when a viewer selects slideshow (I know that some viewers do not like coming to a website that is blaring music at them). I’d love to know what folks think about the site updates . . . “technically challenged”me is patting herself on the back for the little changes made.

and . . .

my house is sort of clean.  Sort of.  And my garden is growing, though I know there are pests among my mint and I just noticed that an heirloom section of parsley fried in the sun.  It’s been hot.

But, getting back to why I feel good about this week:

the pool opened!  and, our A.C. is functioning!  Woo hoo!

Last, I’ll leave with this cute portrait I did of Annabelle at her last ballet class for the Spring.  All the extra hugs, kisses, and sweet words she’s been giving me these past weeks are really making me smile . . . maybe, just maybe, the terrible 3s are over.  Maybe.

Two things to share  regarding postpartum support:

1. First I’m happy to announce that there’s going to be a local postpartum support group in my hometown of Reston, Virginia.   When I was diagnosed with PPD almost 10 months ago, Postpartum Virginia supported two groups that met at places and at times such that I couldn’t attend.  Luckily I found a therapist who specialized in postpartum care and whose office was less than five minutes from my front door.   Since my first visit with her where I released so much pain regarding the trauma of experiencing a postpartum crisis, I feel that I am healing . . . in many ways, I feel better than my old self.  I know that my therapist has a good deal to do with how well my health improved, and I am so grateful that I found her.  Now, I feel like I can help pay it forward.  Postpartum Virginia’s founder Adrienne Griffin recently asked me to help lead the support group in my town; I have to admit, I feel mixed emotions: I’m excited to be part of a group that I think will make such a difference for so many women and their families and I’m also afraid: I want to be strong enough to listen and offer support to those women and families who are struck by PPD.  It isn’t an easy path to walk alone.  I don’t think I could have made it to where I am today without the love and support of so many many people.  Anyway, here are the details about the group:

POST PARTUM SUPPORT GROUP

Meet and talk with other pregnant and new mothers who are finding pregnancy and the postpartum weeks and months difficult and/or overwhelming.. I f you are feeling sad, anxious, angry or irritable, group support can help.  Babies most welcome.  Free childcare for older children.

Second  and  Fourth  Thursdays

10:00AM

Fairfax County Reston YMCA

12196 Sunset Hills Road
Reston, VA  20190

YMCA Phone: (703) 742-8800

The YMCA is also extending a helping hand by giving our group a space to meet in and by offering childcare for attendees.  I have to say I feel like so many prayers have been answered.

2.  Let me tell you how wonderful horrendous our insurance company, United Health Care has been since my PPD diagnosis.  While I was able to find a postpartum psychiatrist and psychotherapist who were both working so hard to help with my recovery, it was troubling to learn that neither specialist was covered as in-network providers by my insurance. What this usually means is that as clients of UHC, we are able to seek care out of network so long as we pay upfront and then seek partial (usually 50%) coverage after doctors’ appointments.  What we experience in the last ten months though indicates (to both my husband and me) that our insurance company never intended to compensate us, even partially, for my postpartum care.  Initially, a representative for UHC told me that I would be partially covered should I go out of network and she also “highly encouraged” me (I remember that exact phrasing) to seek in network coverage.  I wish that I could have done so.  Unfortunately, and as I explained to UHC, my postpartum disorder is postpartum anxiety, which, early on, meant that I could not handle making long drives, let alone with a screaming newborn.  UHC’s in network providers were all at least 45 minutes away from my home . . . a car ride that months ago I could never have completed by myself.

I credit my husband for going back and forth with the insurance company.  Both he and the HR representative where he works have made what seems like an endless number of calls to UHC regarding the lack of reimbursement for out of network visits.  The thing is, we are allowed to go out of network . . . on paper, that is.  Apparently though, new rules are discovered as we attempt to have a claim covered.  It is getting ridiculous.

So why not change care?  Why not switch to a UHC in network provider granted that I can now make 8 hour drives, am going off of my anxiety medication, and am overall feeling better than I have in years . . . my health care providers know my medical history, they know me, they have a record of giving good care.  And according to UHC, from March 2010, my visits to these providers are now “approved.”  The problem, still no reimbursement (at $100 plus dollars a session) for all prior visits.  Which adds up to a lot of money.

I’m lucky that our family had the financial resources to cover my care since our insurance company continuously fails to coherently explain why they are not delivering the service that we pay rates for each month, which is health care coverage . . . both full and partial.  I wonder where I would be today had my family been scraping by and living paycheck to paycheck, unable for me to see a doctor let alone a therapist who understands postpartum disorders.

That’s where I’ll leave off for now . . . I certainly hope that I’ll have better news to share sometime soon.

A few weeks ago while preparing for our vacation, I picked up a few books to read (lofty hopes, I know) should I get a free moment or two. Among the many books on yoga that I checked out of the library, the one that I picked up again and again was Larry Payne and Richard Usatine’s Yoga Rx. Yoga Rx, as its subtitle indicates provides step-by-step yoga routines and programs to heal common health problems. As you might expect, I was most interested in reading up on how yoga treats anxiety and depression. According to Payne and Usatine, the yoga prescription for mental health includes: the care of a mental health professional, enlisting the help of trusted persons, eating a healthy diet, reducing intake of caffeine and tea, getting enough sleep, practicing yoga breathing, having/learning an awareness of your body’s signals of anxiety, meditation, committing to yoga for at least 6 months, and practicing a yoga routine that is outlined specifically for anxiety and depression.

Poses recommended for coping with anxiety and depression include: Mountain, Warrior Poses, Forward Folds, Balancing Poses (like Tree Pose), Cobra, Child’s Pose, and Corpse Pose (this pose is one of my husband’s favorites).

Over the past 6 months, I have become such a devotee to yoga that I decided to return to teaching yoga classes. I am hoping to put together a “destress yoga” class (though I realize most people may find that most yoga practices helps with stress) or a yoga class for folks who think that they could never do yoga. In fact I just read a great article in the local living section of the Washington Post called “Yoga: It’s Worth Going to the Mat.”

The more I learn about yoga, the more I am convinced that our bodies can help heal themselves; I hear stories of people who tried yoga for back pain, diabetes, weight loss, headaches and migraines . . . the list goes on.

What do you think? Would you give a yoga class a whirl? Have you ever tried a natural remedy for healing an ailment?

Over the last eight months, my life has changed. Eight and a half months ago, I gave birth to my son Levi; weeks later though, I found myself in a terrible place and I knew that I needed help. Thankfully, so many people and organizations stepped forward to hold my hand and lift me up, one step at a time. Each individual helped me in their own. Neighbors brought meals and watched my daughter so that I could attend my postpartum therapy sessions, Adrienne Griffin, the founder of Postpartum Support Virginia, called, e-mailed, and coached me through my first days back at home with my family after I spent two days in the hospital and then another two days away with my husband while I battled the dark feelings and emptiness I was experiencing. My mom, sister, and mother-in-law came into town, taking time off from work, to take care of Levi and Annabelle, and friends, so many friends, stepped forward and made time for playdates, to talk, and to offer a helping hand when I needed it. We also welcomed a wonderful babysitter into our lives who came several days a week to give me time to sleep, take care of household responsibilities, or simply spend time doing something for myself. As you can see, these angels on earth helped me get through a very hard time.

Meanwhile, I was learning how to take care of myself; depression is an energy sapper; I knew that if I was going to have the energy to heal, care for myself, for my children, and for everyone else in my life, I was going to have to make some changes. My best friend initially introduced me to the idea that food could help my brain combat its imbalances: I could feel better simply by eating. She bought me a bag of flaxseed to mix into foods like oatmeal, cereals, yogurts, and smoothies, and she also brought me a large bag of walnuts. Since I received these awesome gifts of food from her, I have started eating a diet that is rich in nutrients, antioxidants, protein, and Vitamin D. Here is what a typical day of eating looks like for me:

Breakfast

1 cup oatmeal, 3 to 6 tbsp. of flaxseed, sliced strawberries, bananas, or apples, and 1/2 cup of soymilk or Omega 3 organic milk

“Oatmeal is one of the best foods to nourish the central nervous system and help with depression.”

“Flax, says Udo Erasmus, PhD, has a mood boosting ingredient: docosahexaenoic acid (DHA) that is essential for the proper function of brain cells, yet up to 85% of women aren’t getting enough of it. Early research conducted by Dr. Martha Clare Morris of Chicago’s Rush-Presbyterian-St. Luke’s Medical Center notes that a diet rich in omega-3 fatty acids is believed to be important for brain development.”

“Numerous studies connects dietary consumption of omega-3 fatty acids with depression. Countries with high consumption of seafood, high in omega-3 fatty acids, have lower rates of bipolar and unipolar depression, post-partum depression, and seasonal affective disorder.”

Snack

1 oz. almonds, 1/2 cup of dried cherries or cranberries

“Poor diet can have a disastrous effect on memory, co-ordination, concentration, powers of reason, behaviour and mood although this is very rarely recognised or looked into by medical professionals. Mental distress is linked to a deficiency of iron, magnesium and B-complex vitamins. Zinc deficiency can also be a major factor in causing depression and leads to loss of appetite, subsequent poor nutrition, inevitable chronic fatigue and finally, depression. Many people who go to their doctor complaining of fatigue are often wrongly assumed to be suffering from depression and prescribed anti-depressant drugs which doctors often use as a first line of treatment. Unfortunately, many of these drugs can interfere with zinc absorption. Low levels of zinc in the body can not only lead to a loss of appetite and fatigue (which can be exacerbated by anti-depressants) but can also be a factor in the cause of depression itself. It is therefore important to get adequate amounts of zinc in your diet in order to prevent a downward spiral from forming. Sources of zinc include: shellfish, pumpkin seeds, mushrooms, soya beans, wheat products (especially wheatgerm and wheat bran), sesame seeds, cocoa, sunflower seeds, sweetcorn, rice, wholemeal bread, oats, cheeses (especially cheddar and edam), legumes (especially aduki beans), peas, barley, nuts (especially almonds), peanuts and peanut butter, wholegrain flours, buckwheat and brown rice.”

Lunch

2 slices Ezekial bread, avacado, tofu, and pepper slices

1 cup soy milk or hot tea (kava, kava)

Snack

Lara bar (made with real fruit, nuts and no preservatives or additives and is loaded with walnuts, almonds, and cashews)

Dinner

Whole wheat pasta, organic tomato sauce, crushed tomatoes, brocolli, and nuts, stir fried tempeh or tofu

“The connection between carbohydrates and mood is linked to the mood-boosting brain chemical, serotonin. We know that eating foods high in carbohydrates (breads, cereal, pasta) raises the level of serotonin in the brain. When serotonin levels rise, we feel a calming effect with less anxiety.

So don’t shun carbs – just make smart choices. Limit sugary foods and opt for smart carbs, such as whole grains, fruits, vegetables, and legumes, which all contribute healthy carbs as well as fiber.”

4 oz. of red wine (2 nights a week and not on days when I drink kava kava tea), 1 serving of 85% dark chocolate

* I drink a dry red wine and limit myself to 2 4 oz. servings each week.  When I was first diagnosed with depression, I avoided alcohol and caffeine and have only in the last two months started to incorporated small servings into my diet.  Here is a wonderful article from Yale New Haven Hospital discussing the benefits of red wine for your health.

Eating a healthy diet makes me feel good both physically and mentally.  My favorite part of my day is relaxing at night with my family while I drink a cup of tea or wine and eat a few bites of dark chocolate.

What are your favorite relaxation and feel good foods?

Much has happened since I last posted: first, I turned 29 and am feeling good about it, my identity and online resources, including my e-mail account and my blog, have been compromised (see below for a little bit of advice from Washington Post columnist Rob Pegoraro), and I made my first visit home to Connecticut in over a year so that I could celebrate Mother’s Day with my two moms and introduce Levi to his extended family. But first, here’s a bit of advice that could’ve helped me protect my online identity and security:

“Never use the same passwords for any accounts that offer a route into your personal or financial data. You may think that saves time and brain cells, but if somebody can guess or otherwise obtain your password at one site, they can use that exploit to roll up your other accounts, locking you out of each one in succession. (We’d all like to think we’re too smart to fall for some cheap phishing scam, but even experienced users can make a mistake during a distracted moment.) Instead, use different passwords for your important accounts. This doesn’t have to be difficult; you can use words related to the same theme, and you don’t have to make them impossibly long. Even a seven-character password can be far harder to crack than a six-character password, especially if you mix in numbers and uppercase letters. The one exception I’ll allow to this no-reuse rule: passwords that only protect preferences at a site, such as custom stations created at a Web-radio service.”

– Rob Pegoraro, Consumer Technology Columnist

Meanwhile, I have exciting news on the postpartum depression front; today I met with the founder of Postpartum Support Virginia and we’ve organized a local meeting in western Virginia where I live. I cannot tell you how pleased I am to be a part of this much needed group. I will have to rethink my other activities and volunteering so that I can give Postpartum Virginia my all, but I know this is a worthwhile cause that I feel called to answer. As soon as dates are affirmed, I will share the date, time and place of the postpartum support group I am leading so that folks who live nearby may attend. I only hope that I may help other families the way that Postpartum Virginia helped mine . . .
And because my family is awesome and lets me photograph them as much I like, I thought I’d share a few of my favorite photos from our visit:

Visit with Eugene and Mom at Mom’s House

Annabelle and Bubbles, the Nanna Slide, and Levi Claps His Hands

God Bless Uncle Joe

Mother’s Day Morning with My Babes

Girls Only at the Beauty Salon

Family Portraits with the Montes

Phew! I made it! If you made it this far, thank you!

How was your weekend? And, have any of you had any scary online experiences? If so, I’d love to hear about them. Amber at Strocel just wrote this post that I think gives even more insight into how to post personal information in a secure way. Thoughts?

Postpartum Virginia, an organization that I am so grateful for, shared the following article with me. Not only does the author provide all parents with a little perspective but the article is encouraging for women and families who are dealing with postpartum depression and anxiety. This was the “perfect” article for me to read this week, :-)

Have I Wrecked My Child’s Life? Parenting After Postpartum Depression & Anxiety

Now another story in the series responding to reader questions about postpartum depression. Many of you wanted to know how to be a parent after going through perinatal mood and anxiety disorders … how to get over the guilt, how to move on as a mom, etc. Today, Ann Dunnewold, PhD, is our guest author. Ann is a Dallas psychologist whose mission is to arm women against the pressures of modern motherhood. A past president of PSI, she is the author of “Even June Cleaver Would Forget the Juice Box”, and co-author of the new book “Life Will Never Be the Same: The Real Mom’s Postpartum Survival Guide”, a book for real moms that tells the honest truth about what to expect emotionally after the birth of a baby.

Have I wrecked my child’s life?

What mother’s brain has never entertained this question? Proof of our mother-blaming culture lurks in the scowls and murmurs aimed at mothers whose children fall apart in the grocery store checkout line or on any plane. Pre-mama days, the fleeting thought “when I’m a mom, I’ll never let that happen!” is nearly universal.

Growing up in this culture (vs. the moon, for instance), this subliminal standard of “good baby, good mom” — or its darker side: “bad kid, bad mom” — takes root in our brains. Then comes the powerful whammy of postpartum depression/anxiety symptoms, a big, black cloud obscuring the mom you want to be. Overwhelmed with worry, you second guess every decision and freeze near your baby. It’s definitely not the Hallmark card mommy vision you embraced during pregnancy. Concern skyrockets not just about your ability to parent, but about the effects of your mood on your baby. How to be the mom you pictured? Can you ever get past this? Will this warp your child? These fears are entirely natural.

Be reassured. Over 25 years of working with new moms, I’ve seen that moms routinely rally for their babies. Women paste on a smile, push through the daily grind and parent effectively even when bombarded with symptoms. Research says that when moms with PPD cannot care for their children, the baby’s relationship with others — fathers, family members, paid caregivers — protects the baby from ill effects. Babies bond to others, in addition to mom, and learn to trust and love. When mothers get effective treatment, there need be no long-lasting effects on the child’s development.

In the midst of PPD and parenting, it’s helpful to stop and acknowledge what you are doing for your baby. Leave a sheet of paper on the counter. Tally each mothering task: you changed a diaper, you fed, you burped, you rocked, you wiped up spit-up, you patted, you soothed … ad nauseam. Every moment counts, so them.

Once you’ve recovered, how can you drop the self-doubt about your parenting? Parenting after PPD is just parenting. Feeling good about your parenting, depression and anxiety or not, comes from tuning into some simple truths.

1. We’re human first, mothers second. We all make mistakes, have days good and bad, moods sunny and rotten. On balance, it is the ratio that matters. Even June Cleaver, the pearl-adorned, cooking-baking icon, raised her voice at the Beaver in exasperation. And he was still a perfectly well-adjusted kid.

2. No single parenting event, or period of time, will make or break your child.* Were your symptoms debilitating for two months? Surely you know the importance of the first five years of a child’s life in determining the person he will become. Keep perspective: out of 60 months, two months equals .03%. This is a minuscule influence in the sum total of your child’s life.

* (with a few horrific, unmentionable exceptions. Please don’t go there! Stop, chattering brain — that’s just anxiety! NO reason to assume that because you imagine it, that catastrophe is headed in your direction. Take a deep breath. Consider the odds.)

3. You are not solely responsible for your child’s development. You are ONE influence — along with the combination of genes, temperament, fathers, partners, grandparents, siblings, teachers and peers. Resist the mother-blaming and again focus on the big picture.

4. Acknowledge that total control in parenting, as in life, is an illusion. We think that if we live the right life and follow the rules, results are guaranteed. A perfect life for our perfect child. Wrong, really just wrong. The phrase to tattoo on your forehead is “control what you can, let go of the rest.” Have you made every effort to ensure your child is safely cared for and healthy? Is your baby talked to, fed and changed, loved on, sleeps when tired? You are doing the best you can, controlling what you can. Your child will be just fine.

5. Find a parenting philosophy that fits for you and stick to ONLY that expert advice for two weeks. Read nothing else. Mimic a CD on repeat: “this works for us, this works for us.” Say it to well-meaning advice-givers who flock to new moms like gnats on a watermelon. Listen to your gut. Parenting is not instinctual, but you do know what fits you.

There’s no single magical Right Way to parent. All we can hope is to be the best moms we can, given our strengths, personal foibles and world view. This is what I call a perfectly good mom. No one is a perfect mom. But we each can be a perfectly good mom, the perfect mom for our perfectly good kids, by simply embracing our true selves … warts, moods, worries and all.

The other night while having dinner with a friend, I mentioned blogging, almost in a reminiscent way.   “I wish I could write more,” I told her. “I want to write about the kids more, about postpartum depression, yoga, learning to cook and eat healthfully, gardening, photography and digital processing, and parenting.  I wish I had more time.”  She nodded.  I’m guessing she understood.  It’s hard to do it all; making time for everything that we want in our lives is not easy.  My outlook has shifted though; once upon a time, I thought that if I directed all of my energy at just one or two areas, that those areas would be shining parts of my life . . . that I could succeed in those areas because I had enough time and energy to do a good job.  What I’ve discovered in recent months (and perhaps years) is that it is okay to have many interests; wanting to be a good parent and a good wife does not mean that I can’t be a good writer, teacher, photographer, or friend.  

When I look back on my life, almost a decade ago now, I remember a time when I worked so much and studied so much that I had little time for friends or relationships.  It was a sad and hard time.  I think I kept so busy because I wanted to avoid confronting the feeling that so many of us experience in our early twenties . . . the feeling of being lost . . . not knowing which direction to move in . . . a virgin to the world.

When I quit my first teaching job and was faced with the prospects of no income and no productive way to spend my time, I remember feeling so angry.  Anger at myself, anger at my job situation, anger at the public school system, anger at everyone who I loved or who loved me because no one could tell me what I should do.  Faced with time on my hands, I decided to return to graduate school, volunteer, and work part-time.  I earned pennies.  I am lucky that my then fiance, soon-to-be spouse decided to hold my hand and help me through this time.  It was rock bottom (perhaps even worse than my more recent experience with ppd?).

In any case, with time, I discovered that I loved to teach, I just did not enjoy teaching adolescents; so I taught adult education, English to speakers of other languages, and yoga.  I spent much time studying, writing, and beating myself up.  I felt a great deal of guilt for being financially dependent on my spouse and for putting him through what I consider my quarter life crisis.

My energy and time were directed towards many things: my students, my professors, my spirituality, healing, my husband, and my family.  Slowly, slowly, I made friends too.

When I gave birth to Annabelle, two and a half years later, I know that my life changed and improved.  Suddenly, I had a great purpose: motherhood.  I was going to be the best mother I could possibly be.  My husband and I decided that I would stay home.  I spent little time doing anything but caring for my daughter.  I breastfed around the clock, carried my baby with me wherever I went, exercised with my baby, read her stories,  played with her, and started to meet many, many people.  Again, I felt some guilt that I wasn’t earning any money, but I felt so much pride that I was the sole individual responsible for raising my child.  In many ways, my ideals were in the right place, but being an overachiever, I threw so much of myself into motherhood, I think that I started to lose sight of me, of who I was . . . I don’t think that in the first year of Annabelle’s life I could conceive of there being more to my identity than that of “Annabelle’s mom.”

Of course, she grew older.  She needed me less and less.  She took her first steps.  She talked.  She learned and played.  She struggled with herself and with other children.  She made friends.  And she needed me, just not to the extent that she once had as a newborn.

I decided to volunteer again.  I wrote my Green Mamma blog.

Then I purchased my first SLR, the Nikon d90.  Photography. Ahh.

While I was pregnant with Levi, I think that I threw myself back into that early motherhood phase; again, guilt got the better of me . . . I felt as though I were betraying Annabelle by having another baby, so I made sure that I devoted special time and created activity after activity for her to show her my love; I’ve since learned that I gave her and her brother the greatest of gifts: another person to love.

We then welcomed Levi into our lives, a great blessing that in many ways helped me get through the despair of postpartum depression. Annabelle started preschool.  She branched out further.  She took ballet, she took art classes, she made new friends, but still, at night, for five minutes before bed, she needed me.  She has nursed almost every night since she was born.  She still nurses.  It is our time.  Even though Levi doesn’t nurse, I’ve continued to nurse my 3 year old because she wants to, she needs too.  I hold each of them against my body, one in each arm; Levi nurses on his bottle and Annabelle nurses on me.  I feel so complete during those moments, especially when Toby lays beside us purring and my hubby is there too, flipping through the newspaper or watching t.v.

Meanwhile I garden.  I am starting a photography business.  I want to teach yoga to pregnant and postnatal moms.  I want to volunteer.  I want to spend time with my kids and be good friends with my husband.

My energy is all over the place, directed in so many areas; I may not be famous, I may not be the best, but I am thriving . . . all these parts of me, scattered though they (I) may be, thrive, because they help make my life spicy, make me want to get up in the morning.  Make me want to see what is going to happen next.

Just a little visual chart I made for myself so that I can keep track of it all, :-)

So we’re back, :-)  This past week we visited Siesta Key Island in Florida, a tiny place that is sort of like home away from home.  I took so many pictures (thank you honey, thank you Annabelle, thank you Levi, thank you Nikon), caught up on sleep, rolled around in the sand with my kids and my hubby, wore lots of sunscreen, walked among flamingos and petted sting rays (so soft), and sipped wine while watching the sun set each night.  Let’s just say that it was a very much needed vacation.

And now . . . we’re home.  Which I really am happy about.  As much as I love the adventure and restoration that is vacation, I thrive on ritual, routine, my real day to day life.  Though coming back to reality after a break is a whirlwind (a much welcome one); I am currently trying to sort out:

a) how to manage a fully mobile Levi; little man is crawling and climbing at 8 months old; he’s even pulling up to standing . . . I know this guy is going to really make me work, really keep me on my toes . . . my little boy is a bruiser.  With Annabelle, she always wanted to be with her mom, always nursing, never to pulling open cabinets and banging things around.  Levi is definitely his own person, that’s for sure.

b) how to manage a 3 year old who is going on 13.  Phew!  I really didn’t think I would have to deal with hormones, mood swings, and attitude until my kids reached their teen years, but suddenly, my baby, my toddler, my preschooler, knows far more than her dear old mom.  And she’s so smart, she really is . . . so I find myself picking up parenting book after parenting book trying to find the answers, the formula, the instructions that were supposed to come with my kid but didn’t.  I find myself praying that I don’t screw up, that I don’t screw her up, that she turns out okay even though her mom doesn’t know what the heck she is doing.

c) keeping up with myself.  I have a wide range of interests: if you follow my blog, you know this . . . I kind of wander around from subject to subject (which I’ve read is not very good for a blog’s traffic, ah, oh well), delving head first into whatever is fascinating . . . which means that my interests sort of pile up, and even though they all add to my life and make me more interesting (at least I think so), it can be sort of overwhelming.  Yes, I am actually complaining that I have too many good things in my life.  Currently I’m trying to figure out how to organize my time so that I can pursue photography, keep up with my blog (it is so good for my soul to write it out), practice daily yoga, learn how to cook healthy veggie/omnivore meals for my family, make one on one time for each of my loved ones, keep Toby healthy (he just returned from his yearly physical and we learned that Toby is obese and at risk for things like heart disease and diabetes . . . I am putting him on a prescription cat food and then we’re going to have his teeth cleaned (poor kitty also has gingivitus)), stay on top of my leadership duties for Attachment Parenting  as well as starting up a postpartum support group, and then on top of it all, stay connected with family and friends (near and far).

Meanwhile, Levi is teething.  Ouch (for all 3 of us . . . Matt and I are up all night long).

But life is good . . . I list all the parts of my life that both enrich who I am and tire me out; isn’t it that way for most of us?

It’s been almost 8 months since I was diagnosed with postpartum depression. Today as I look outside my window, see the sun shining and hear my children playing in the background, I almost cannot believe that just months ago I was in a very difficult place, where I could hear nothing but the sound of my own worries, pain, and hopelessness. Getting help to treat my depression was probably the hardest thing I’ve ever done (even more than giving birth naturally at home, :-) ).

I cannot put into words how grateful I am to the people and organizations who helped me . . . who saved my life. As part of my need to give back, I have put together a postpartum support resource page for my blog, Days of You and Me. As I mention on the page, the resources are not exhaustive, and I would be so grateful to any suggested online sources, books, or individuals that you think should be included.

Last, thank you to all of you who stayed with me during this time . . . I know that some of my posts, while honest, have been dark or difficult to understand. I appreciate all the e-mails, encouragement, and shared experiences.

Below is a recent photo of me with my son Levi, who I can tell you, makes me want to have more babies. I kid you not.

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