Levi
You are standing at the pantry
Throwing your sister’s cups and plates on the floor
You cry for me
But the second I walk into the room
You stop
You smile
Flashing that almost toothless grin
You climb
You stand
You crawl as fast as a gator
Making your mama run up and down the aisles of the library
You want me to hold you
But you cry the second I pick you up
You want me
You don’t want me
You grab at your sister’s hair
You grab at my hair (and smile while you do it)
You stand at the top of our front stoop with that silly grin on your face
Making me dash for the door hoping to catch you before you dive off our steps into the bushes
Levi
You tire me out
You make me want to have more babies
But until then, or if ever, I’ll hold you against my cheek, kiss you whenever I can, and smile back at you
My little boy.

A few weeks ago, a good friend of mine told me that she and her family spend a few minutes each night sharing 5 good moments from their days.  She wanted to encourage gratitude and positive thinking at the end of the day.  I thought about  how I and my family could benefit from this positive end of day ritual and how it could help us to communicate more too.  So, I tried it out this past Friday night at dinner.  Among our list of good moments were:

“My tea time date with Mommy”

“Waking up in time for yoga”

“Free lunch”

“Climbing to the top of the stairs” (we ad libbed for Levi)

“Jumping on the moon bounce”

“Taking a nap”

******

As I look back over the week, I remember so many good moments.  Mostly I feel as though I’m in a bit of “achievement” mode; setting many mini goals  and pushing myself to reach further and yet do so with balance and restraint.  This week, I feel good that:

1. Postpartum Support Reston is up and running!  We had our first meeting, took care of some basic organization, and are planning on sending out educational packets and advertisements to local doctors’ offices.  Oh  my goodness, I cannot tell you how happy I am that this group exists.

2. I finally read through my Yoga Bible, made index cards of asanas (or poses) that I practice frequently, and am studying the sanskrit names too.  I’m also watching a therapeutic yoga series that includes lessons on anatomy as well as healing and preventative practices for a wide range of injuries, etc.

3. I am making time for my Attachment Parenting Support Group responsibilities, like filing our yearly financial report, setting up and preparing for meetings in a space that is child safe and friendly, including engaging activities for kids, and more space for mamas to talk with and support each other.  I’m also learning to speak up and let my co-leaders know when I need to step back and let go of responsibility.  Because I want to be involved a wide range of activities, above all else mothering and my relationship with my husband, it makes sense to me that I am honest with myself and others about what I can and cannot do.  I need to say, “Yes, I can do this,” and be comfortable with saying, “No, I can’t accomplish x, y, z.”  And that’s okay.

4. Clients are setting up sessions with me!  I’ve updated my portfolio and added a slideshow to my webpage as well.  I added music, which only plays when a viewer selects slideshow (I know that some viewers do not like coming to a website that is blaring music at them). I’d love to know what folks think about the site updates . . . “technically challenged”me is patting herself on the back for the little changes made.

and . . .

my house is sort of clean.  Sort of.  And my garden is growing, though I know there are pests among my mint and I just noticed that an heirloom section of parsley fried in the sun.  It’s been hot.

But, getting back to why I feel good about this week:

the pool opened!  and, our A.C. is functioning!  Woo hoo!

Last, I’ll leave with this cute portrait I did of Annabelle at her last ballet class for the Spring.  All the extra hugs, kisses, and sweet words she’s been giving me these past weeks are really making me smile . . . maybe, just maybe, the terrible 3s are over.  Maybe.

On Monday we thought we’d fly a kite.   I thought I’d snap some great sky shots for Beth’s You Capture Sky challenge. It was hotter than hot and there was no wind.  The park we drove to was covered with litter from weekend soccer games and Memorial Day festivities.  We spent a half hour, piece by piece, picking up the grounds.  I wanted to make an angry phone call to our county’s waste management.  I didn’t.  Instead we made up our minds to go swimming.  So we did.

But later in the day, again I took out my camera, determined to get a few photos of the sky.  Bleh.  No clouds.  Practically no color.  So I decided to put Levi in his stroller and we walked and walked and walked until I could find a few ripples here and there above the rows of houses.

We walked so far that Levi fell asleep.  The heat was heavy; I was certain we would get a hot storm.  I waited and waited.

and then, nothing.  It was just hot . . . the air, the sky, the weather: none were budging.

So I decided to take some nighttime photos of my garden.

which I haven’t given much time to this year, except to water it when Annabelle pulls out the hose.

It does help though to live next door to an avid gardener.  Isn’t this one a beauty?  That one, up there.

But our vegetable garden is going strong.  My husband prunes the tomatoes, weeds through the cucumbers.

me?  mostly I am learning the lesson of letting go.  A few weeds here and there.  Tall tall plants.  Lush lush garden.  And I am there, now and again.

to see its beauty

and to wonder, what nature will do next.

The other night while having dinner with a friend, I mentioned blogging, almost in a reminiscent way.   “I wish I could write more,” I told her. “I want to write about the kids more, about postpartum depression, yoga, learning to cook and eat healthfully, gardening, photography and digital processing, and parenting.  I wish I had more time.”  She nodded.  I’m guessing she understood.  It’s hard to do it all; making time for everything that we want in our lives is not easy.  My outlook has shifted though; once upon a time, I thought that if I directed all of my energy at just one or two areas, that those areas would be shining parts of my life . . . that I could succeed in those areas because I had enough time and energy to do a good job.  What I’ve discovered in recent months (and perhaps years) is that it is okay to have many interests; wanting to be a good parent and a good wife does not mean that I can’t be a good writer, teacher, photographer, or friend.  

When I look back on my life, almost a decade ago now, I remember a time when I worked so much and studied so much that I had little time for friends or relationships.  It was a sad and hard time.  I think I kept so busy because I wanted to avoid confronting the feeling that so many of us experience in our early twenties . . . the feeling of being lost . . . not knowing which direction to move in . . . a virgin to the world.

When I quit my first teaching job and was faced with the prospects of no income and no productive way to spend my time, I remember feeling so angry.  Anger at myself, anger at my job situation, anger at the public school system, anger at everyone who I loved or who loved me because no one could tell me what I should do.  Faced with time on my hands, I decided to return to graduate school, volunteer, and work part-time.  I earned pennies.  I am lucky that my then fiance, soon-to-be spouse decided to hold my hand and help me through this time.  It was rock bottom (perhaps even worse than my more recent experience with ppd?).

In any case, with time, I discovered that I loved to teach, I just did not enjoy teaching adolescents; so I taught adult education, English to speakers of other languages, and yoga.  I spent much time studying, writing, and beating myself up.  I felt a great deal of guilt for being financially dependent on my spouse and for putting him through what I consider my quarter life crisis.

My energy and time were directed towards many things: my students, my professors, my spirituality, healing, my husband, and my family.  Slowly, slowly, I made friends too.

When I gave birth to Annabelle, two and a half years later, I know that my life changed and improved.  Suddenly, I had a great purpose: motherhood.  I was going to be the best mother I could possibly be.  My husband and I decided that I would stay home.  I spent little time doing anything but caring for my daughter.  I breastfed around the clock, carried my baby with me wherever I went, exercised with my baby, read her stories,  played with her, and started to meet many, many people.  Again, I felt some guilt that I wasn’t earning any money, but I felt so much pride that I was the sole individual responsible for raising my child.  In many ways, my ideals were in the right place, but being an overachiever, I threw so much of myself into motherhood, I think that I started to lose sight of me, of who I was . . . I don’t think that in the first year of Annabelle’s life I could conceive of there being more to my identity than that of “Annabelle’s mom.”

Of course, she grew older.  She needed me less and less.  She took her first steps.  She talked.  She learned and played.  She struggled with herself and with other children.  She made friends.  And she needed me, just not to the extent that she once had as a newborn.

I decided to volunteer again.  I wrote my Green Mamma blog.

Then I purchased my first SLR, the Nikon d90.  Photography. Ahh.

While I was pregnant with Levi, I think that I threw myself back into that early motherhood phase; again, guilt got the better of me . . . I felt as though I were betraying Annabelle by having another baby, so I made sure that I devoted special time and created activity after activity for her to show her my love; I’ve since learned that I gave her and her brother the greatest of gifts: another person to love.

We then welcomed Levi into our lives, a great blessing that in many ways helped me get through the despair of postpartum depression. Annabelle started preschool.  She branched out further.  She took ballet, she took art classes, she made new friends, but still, at night, for five minutes before bed, she needed me.  She has nursed almost every night since she was born.  She still nurses.  It is our time.  Even though Levi doesn’t nurse, I’ve continued to nurse my 3 year old because she wants to, she needs too.  I hold each of them against my body, one in each arm; Levi nurses on his bottle and Annabelle nurses on me.  I feel so complete during those moments, especially when Toby lays beside us purring and my hubby is there too, flipping through the newspaper or watching t.v.

Meanwhile I garden.  I am starting a photography business.  I want to teach yoga to pregnant and postnatal moms.  I want to volunteer.  I want to spend time with my kids and be good friends with my husband.

My energy is all over the place, directed in so many areas; I may not be famous, I may not be the best, but I am thriving . . . all these parts of me, scattered though they (I) may be, thrive, because they help make my life spicy, make me want to get up in the morning.  Make me want to see what is going to happen next.

Just a little visual chart I made for myself so that I can keep track of it all, :-)

This week’s theme on “I Heart Faces” is “Smiles”.   While such a challenge would usually inspire me to photograph my children (endlessly . . . and I do that all the time anyway), I thought it would be fun to switch things up a bit; you know the saying that “the photographer is never in a photograph” . . . well, I thought I’d let my silly side shine through and let my husband and 3 year old snap the following pics of me in front of the Gamble Plantation Antebellum House in Bradenton, Florida.  I had heard that the group Lady Antebellum had selected their band name after doing a photo shoot in front of an Antebellum House . . . after having visited one and been photographed there, I think I understand why . . . it’s just a wonderful background . . . so much character . . . so many opportunities for all kinds of photographs . . . but I have to say, I enjoyed all of the (my) smiles.  This was fun.

To see the other entries, visit I Heart Faces.

P.S.  Since I couldn’t choose just one picture, I am not entering the contest to win anything.

So we’re back, :-)  This past week we visited Siesta Key Island in Florida, a tiny place that is sort of like home away from home.  I took so many pictures (thank you honey, thank you Annabelle, thank you Levi, thank you Nikon), caught up on sleep, rolled around in the sand with my kids and my hubby, wore lots of sunscreen, walked among flamingos and petted sting rays (so soft), and sipped wine while watching the sun set each night.  Let’s just say that it was a very much needed vacation.

And now . . . we’re home.  Which I really am happy about.  As much as I love the adventure and restoration that is vacation, I thrive on ritual, routine, my real day to day life.  Though coming back to reality after a break is a whirlwind (a much welcome one); I am currently trying to sort out:

a) how to manage a fully mobile Levi; little man is crawling and climbing at 8 months old; he’s even pulling up to standing . . . I know this guy is going to really make me work, really keep me on my toes . . . my little boy is a bruiser.  With Annabelle, she always wanted to be with her mom, always nursing, never to pulling open cabinets and banging things around.  Levi is definitely his own person, that’s for sure.

b) how to manage a 3 year old who is going on 13.  Phew!  I really didn’t think I would have to deal with hormones, mood swings, and attitude until my kids reached their teen years, but suddenly, my baby, my toddler, my preschooler, knows far more than her dear old mom.  And she’s so smart, she really is . . . so I find myself picking up parenting book after parenting book trying to find the answers, the formula, the instructions that were supposed to come with my kid but didn’t.  I find myself praying that I don’t screw up, that I don’t screw her up, that she turns out okay even though her mom doesn’t know what the heck she is doing.

c) keeping up with myself.  I have a wide range of interests: if you follow my blog, you know this . . . I kind of wander around from subject to subject (which I’ve read is not very good for a blog’s traffic, ah, oh well), delving head first into whatever is fascinating . . . which means that my interests sort of pile up, and even though they all add to my life and make me more interesting (at least I think so), it can be sort of overwhelming.  Yes, I am actually complaining that I have too many good things in my life.  Currently I’m trying to figure out how to organize my time so that I can pursue photography, keep up with my blog (it is so good for my soul to write it out), practice daily yoga, learn how to cook healthy veggie/omnivore meals for my family, make one on one time for each of my loved ones, keep Toby healthy (he just returned from his yearly physical and we learned that Toby is obese and at risk for things like heart disease and diabetes . . . I am putting him on a prescription cat food and then we’re going to have his teeth cleaned (poor kitty also has gingivitus)), stay on top of my leadership duties for Attachment Parenting  as well as starting up a postpartum support group, and then on top of it all, stay connected with family and friends (near and far).

Meanwhile, Levi is teething.  Ouch (for all 3 of us . . . Matt and I are up all night long).

But life is good . . . I list all the parts of my life that both enrich who I am and tire me out; isn’t it that way for most of us?

A few weeks ago I received an exciting phone call from my co-leader Ivana Lombardo for our Northern Virginia chapter of Attachment Parenting International. Her news? Barbara Nicholson and Lysa Parker, founders of API and authors of the new book Attached at the Heart, were coming into town. Barbara and Lysa planned to promote their new book and meet with the U.S. Department of Health to discuss the attachment parenting lifestyle. Our group had been called on to host them while they were in town; I was psyched to meet API’s founders and was able to help out by making a strawberry and almond salad for an intimate dinner with them. Below are a few photos that I took during our dinner (with alotta help from my half pint assistants Diego and Annabelle).

API founder Barbara Nicholson, who is a mom of four and a wonderful lady. She is so excited that theU.S. Dept. of Health literature is promoting AP principles like breastfeeding, responding with sensitivity to our children, and much more. I have to say that I was a little surprised at her news but am super excited to see that our government is acknowledging that AP parenting works.

You’ll notice that in this photograph of Barbara, there is a bottle. I have to admit that I felt a bit strange meeting the founders of API while bottle feeding my son Levi. While I know that feeding with love and respect (which I am doing with a bottle) is an AP principle, I remember that once upon a time, this principle was called “breastfeeding.” I so badly wanted to breastfeed my son Levi and I did for the first month of his life. I shared my story of experiencing severe postpartum depression and how breastfeeding was something that I needed to let go of for sake of my mental health. I tell myself, whenever I am feeling bad about not breastfeeding Levi, that at least I am here, functioning and loving him.

Let me tell you: Barbara and Lysa didn’t judge me for how I am feeding my baby and I thank them for that. Moms need other moms to support them, especially when hard decisions are made.

Lysa Parker cozied up with all of our kids. Here she is with leader Krystal MacDonald’s son Diego. Both Lysa and Barbara were so warm to our children and to us mammas too. I felt like I had known them both for a long time.

Annabelle took this photograph of Lysa. Isn’t she a beautiful lady?

The infamous Diego, who is a budding violinist and (I think) photographer. His mamma is homeschooling him. He is just the sweetest, smartest kid ever.

I let the kids play with Nikon. Let’s just say that they had a great time having their own photo session:

Annabelle photographed Diego “taking a nap” while they played together upstairs in his room.

and I think she took this photo of Diego’s train mat.

This photograph belongs to either Diego or Annabelle. I loved that they immediately wanted to photograph the toys.

My co-leader Ivana Lombardo and her baby Philip. Ivana and I gave birth around the same time. Ivana is such a positive role model and support for our local group. I look to her for advice since her older son Alec is almost 2 years older than my daughter Annabelle. I have to say, having our AP support group has made such a difference in my life . . . in how I parent and how I love others too.

At dinner, we invited everyone who could come, including Diego’s tadpoles.

Krystal McDonald opened her home and her heart to all of us. She is an amazing mom, a La Leche League leader, an API leader, and a good friend too. I learned everything I know about cloth diapering from her, :-)

and this beautiful window is nestled in on a stairwell in Krystal’s home. Just gorgeous, isn’t it? I think it really speaks to who Krystal and her family are: a connected and loving family.

Meeting Lysa and Barbara was an amazing opportunity to spend the evening with wise, loving women and our children too. I certainly felt honored and learned a lot just from listening to everyone talk about parenting, life, and making changes in the world. Definitely a night I won’t forget.

Annabelle and I want to say a big thank you to both Garden Mama and Stephanie McCane, fabric and fiber artist and founder of Stitching in Striped Socks. To see more of Stephanie’s awesome creations, head on over to her etsy shop at www.etsy.com/shop/stitchingsocks

P.S. After we took this photograph, Annabelle and her friend Ella insisted on taking turns wearing the crayon apron while laying in the grass and coloring. Needless to say (but I will anyway), the crayon apron is a huge hit in our neighborhood!

It’s been almost 8 months since I was diagnosed with postpartum depression. Today as I look outside my window, see the sun shining and hear my children playing in the background, I almost cannot believe that just months ago I was in a very difficult place, where I could hear nothing but the sound of my own worries, pain, and hopelessness. Getting help to treat my depression was probably the hardest thing I’ve ever done (even more than giving birth naturally at home, :-) ).

I cannot put into words how grateful I am to the people and organizations who helped me . . . who saved my life. As part of my need to give back, I have put together a postpartum support resource page for my blog, Days of You and Me. As I mention on the page, the resources are not exhaustive, and I would be so grateful to any suggested online sources, books, or individuals that you think should be included.

Last, thank you to all of you who stayed with me during this time . . . I know that some of my posts, while honest, have been dark or difficult to understand. I appreciate all the e-mails, encouragement, and shared experiences.

Below is a recent photo of me with my son Levi, who I can tell you, makes me want to have more babies. I kid you not.

<a href=”http://postpartumprogress.typepad.com/weblog/” target=”_blank”><img alt=”Postpartum Progress” src=”http://postpartumprogress.typepad.com/badges/badge1.jpg”/></a>

So, it occurred to me that since my primary employers are Annabelle and Levi, I ought to consult them regarding my new venture as a professional photographer. Though Levi is never short for words (though sounds we adults fail to decipher . . . except for mama and dada), Annabelle acted as their joint representative for the following conversation. We were driving home from Payless Shoes. I’d just purchased a pair of princess, light-up-when-you-walk sandals for her Easter outfit. I started the conversation with,

“Annabelle, did you know that Mommy really wants to be a photographer?”

I peak into the rear view mirror. She’s making a pouting face and looking off to the side.

“What?” I ask her.

“No,” she says. Her face is still pouty.

“What do you mean? Mommy loves photography. It makes me really happy. Why don’t you want me to be a photographer?”

She looks straight ahead; we make eye contact in the mirror. “Don’t leave me Mommy. You’re my mommy. Don’t leave me.”

Her words struck me right in my heart. I really didn’t know what to say. We sort of dropped the conversation and listened to Laurie Berkner the rest of the way home.

But then, once home, she said, “Mommy, can I put on my sandals and Easter dress? Will you take my picture?”

I said yes and yes. The following photos are just a few from our afternoon session. The light was gorgeous, just falling through the trees. I used flash into the backlight and took many photos without flash. Annabelle’s friend Nicholas stopped by for a few minutes to join us too; he even photographed me with the kids (you’ll have to go to my Flickr account to see more).

Anyway, I’m still absorbing my conversation with Annabelle; who knows where our roads go? I simply want to make choices from my heart, letting it lead me to the right path.