Even though I should read Dr. Sears Baby Book, I read Wine for Dummies.

Even though I know I should wake up at 6:30 to go to yoga class, I sleep until 8 and run around with my kids, twirling around, skipping, and lifting them up over my head. Just as good of a workout for body and for soul.

Even though I think I should save every penny for camera equipment, I buy shoes.

Even though I know I should be grateful for what I have and hold onto to old pieces of furniture, I sell the old stuff to make room for some new stuff.

And even though I know my moisturizer, foot and hand cream, shampoo and conditioner, and my makeup too contain all sorts of weird chemicals, I use them. I want nice skin, smooth hands and feet, a clean mane (roar), and lipstick. I just do.

Even though I think I ought to encourage my daughter to play with her wooden, natural, educational toys, I laugh when she and her brother play with their colorful, plastic McDonalds’ set.

Even though I know gasoline and oil are wrecking the Gulf, ruining natural life and wrecking the lives of people who depend on a clean ocean, I fill my tank up and drive. I say to myself, “I want to help but I need to drive. I live in this world.” So I think about making a donation or collecting Toby’s hair to ship to the cleanup crews. Pet hair apparently absorbs oil.

And even though I sat down to check e-mail and only e-mail, I wrote this post.

What do you do when you know or think that you ought to be doing something else?

What I know is, sometimes it feels good to break my little rules, the shoulds, the oughts. It’s somehow liberating.

With Levi’s first birthday less than a month away, I decided to put together a slideshow of his first year here on planet Earth. For the last week or so, my hubby’s been taking the kids outside for a half hour to an hour so that I could review, organize, re-edit, and pull together my favorite photos from our first twelve months together. What I notice is that the number of photos increases somewhere around Levi’s fourth or fifth month, which I think corresponds with when life with two babes and ppd started to improve for me. The urge to be snap snap snap happy returned (I remember forcing my family to sit in front of the wreathes at Whole Foods and asking a bypasser to photograph us after I’d set up my camera. My hubby endures a lot, :-) ).

Anyway, I wanted to photograph Levi with and without an adorable little boy outfit on (they are hard to come by after all). I wanted to remember his pudgy baby thighs, butt, little belly, arms and legs, and oh of course, his adorable chubby baby cheeks. And now, my little bear has six teeth!

Meanwhile, Annabelle is snapping away with her own camera. She’s more enthusiastic about photographing flowers, our home, and her feet than her baby brother, but I have to say she makes a fine assistant. Most of the photos where Levi is smiling, I owe to her.

And some in a cute outfit that I searched high and low for. What’s up with the abundance of cute girl clothes and the shortage of cute boy clothes? Little boys need cute clothes too!

Levi
You are standing at the pantry
Throwing your sister’s cups and plates on the floor
You cry for me
But the second I walk into the room
You stop
You smile
Flashing that almost toothless grin
You climb
You stand
You crawl as fast as a gator
Making your mama run up and down the aisles of the library
You want me to hold you
But you cry the second I pick you up
You want me
You don’t want me
You grab at your sister’s hair
You grab at my hair (and smile while you do it)
You stand at the top of our front stoop with that silly grin on your face
Making me dash for the door hoping to catch you before you dive off our steps into the bushes
Levi
You tire me out
You make me want to have more babies
But until then, or if ever, I’ll hold you against my cheek, kiss you whenever I can, and smile back at you
My little boy.

I am setting a new blogging goal, and that is, to get on here and blog. At least once a week. Let’s just say that it’s been busy here. Annabelle finished preschool a month ago, I’m now volunteering for two support groups, and today, I officially go on an interview to teach yoga. Also, whenever I sit down, I’m trying to read as much as I can about yoga, photography, parenting, and postpartum disorders. It’s a lot. And, honestly, I’m wondering why I’m taking on a lot, but that is for a different post.

Today, I wanted to share little bit about what Annabelle, Levi and I have been up to on a day to day basis. In many ways I feel like I’m back doing some homeschooling with them, though I keep a folder and call it “learning at home.” I print out, mostly Waldorf, activities for us to try. Last week, we learned about birds, attending a bird song class and observation, reading about birds, and going on nature walks to listen and look for birds. This week, we’re reading stories about caterpillars and butterflies, going on nature walks to look for them (still none to see so far as I can tell), doing dot art to create our own butterflies and then simply coloring in butterfly and caterpillar sheets. Yesterday at the pool, Annabelle even made up a butterfly dance where she, the butterfly, collected nectar from flowers. I’m thinking that we’ll see where all this takes us and just continue learning about whatever animal, bug, letter, number, language, that Annabelle wants to learn about. Isn’t this what unschoolers do?

And we play. We play outside a lot, though the heat and humidity do encourage inside playdates too. In the mornings, we get outside a bit and now and then, when I bring the camera, Annabelle and I take turns taking photos. I’d actually combed my hair and put on a bit of makeup, even brushing Levi’s hair into a faux hawk. Annabelle helped tame the hawk, and I had a ball just following Levi around with my camera while he crawled up the neighbors steps, invaded their entryway and posed next to their UPS delivery. Fun times.

How are you and your babes holding up in this heat?

A few weeks ago, a good friend of mine told me that she and her family spend a few minutes each night sharing 5 good moments from their days.  She wanted to encourage gratitude and positive thinking at the end of the day.  I thought about  how I and my family could benefit from this positive end of day ritual and how it could help us to communicate more too.  So, I tried it out this past Friday night at dinner.  Among our list of good moments were:

“My tea time date with Mommy”

“Waking up in time for yoga”

“Free lunch”

“Climbing to the top of the stairs” (we ad libbed for Levi)

“Jumping on the moon bounce”

“Taking a nap”

******

As I look back over the week, I remember so many good moments.  Mostly I feel as though I’m in a bit of “achievement” mode; setting many mini goals  and pushing myself to reach further and yet do so with balance and restraint.  This week, I feel good that:

1. Postpartum Support Reston is up and running!  We had our first meeting, took care of some basic organization, and are planning on sending out educational packets and advertisements to local doctors’ offices.  Oh  my goodness, I cannot tell you how happy I am that this group exists.

2. I finally read through my Yoga Bible, made index cards of asanas (or poses) that I practice frequently, and am studying the sanskrit names too.  I’m also watching a therapeutic yoga series that includes lessons on anatomy as well as healing and preventative practices for a wide range of injuries, etc.

3. I am making time for my Attachment Parenting Support Group responsibilities, like filing our yearly financial report, setting up and preparing for meetings in a space that is child safe and friendly, including engaging activities for kids, and more space for mamas to talk with and support each other.  I’m also learning to speak up and let my co-leaders know when I need to step back and let go of responsibility.  Because I want to be involved a wide range of activities, above all else mothering and my relationship with my husband, it makes sense to me that I am honest with myself and others about what I can and cannot do.  I need to say, “Yes, I can do this,” and be comfortable with saying, “No, I can’t accomplish x, y, z.”  And that’s okay.

4. Clients are setting up sessions with me!  I’ve updated my portfolio and added a slideshow to my webpage as well.  I added music, which only plays when a viewer selects slideshow (I know that some viewers do not like coming to a website that is blaring music at them). I’d love to know what folks think about the site updates . . . “technically challenged”me is patting herself on the back for the little changes made.

and . . .

my house is sort of clean.  Sort of.  And my garden is growing, though I know there are pests among my mint and I just noticed that an heirloom section of parsley fried in the sun.  It’s been hot.

But, getting back to why I feel good about this week:

the pool opened!  and, our A.C. is functioning!  Woo hoo!

Last, I’ll leave with this cute portrait I did of Annabelle at her last ballet class for the Spring.  All the extra hugs, kisses, and sweet words she’s been giving me these past weeks are really making me smile . . . maybe, just maybe, the terrible 3s are over.  Maybe.

A few weeks ago, I came home to find Redbook magazine’s Mom’s Survival Guide on my doorstep.   I’d been having “one of those days” as a mom and the Mom’s Survival Guide seemed like it could be the answer to my prayers.  Below are a few of my favorite segments from the book:

• on bullying
• “Maybe you have a pet theory as to how this woman [mom of a bully] has managed to raise that big bully of hers.  Forget all that.   “If you go into the conversation with a negative opinion of her–and the attitude that you’re a better parent than she is–she’ll smell it a and won’t want to help you,” cautions Rosalind Wiseman, author of Queen Bee Moms and Kingpin Dads: Dealing with Difficult Parents in Your Child’s Life . . . Try, “I’ve got a problem that I hope you can help me with . . . I’m a little uncomfortable talking to you like this, but I feel it’s important.”  When you describe the situation, leave out words like “bullying and “mean.” Thank her for her time and add, “I hope you’ll tell me if my child ever does something you think I’d want to know about.”  This conveys a feeling of goodwill and makes her kid less of a villain by acknowledging that all children need adult guidance at times.

• on healthy eating for kids
• It’s no secret that a healthy diet helps kids grow strong and improves their mood and brain function.  But how do you actually get kids to eat well?  Think small.  ”You can make little changes to how, what, and when your child eats for big nutritional payoffs, ” says pediatric dietician Marilyn Tanner-Balsiar, a spokesperson for the American Dietetic Association.
• and “Real Advice from Real Moms”:
• “Everyone at our table gets at least 5 minutes to talk about their day.  The kids know they will have this chance, and they wait for it anxiously without getting up, in our family, once conversation gets started, it’s hard to stop it!”

• on learning to let go
• We all want to keep our children safe from harm–it’s arguably our number one job as parents.  But it’s easy to go overboard because those precoius bundles are so vulnerable.  After 9/11, Sue Donas was convinced that someone was going to pipe bomb her daughter’s day care near Hillsdale, NJ, because it was housed in a Jewish Community Center.  She used to circle the building looking for suspicious characters.  Once she even had an abandoned car towed away  . . . “You can raise your child in a bubble but you can get reassurance that she’s in responsible, protective hands.”  For example, instead of patrolling the day care grounds, Donas could inquire about the school’s security policy–and it might just set her mind at ease.

• on helping your child deal with fears
• Don’t brush off your child’s emotions.  ”I often hear parents say, ‘Why is my child acting so afraid? It doesn’t make sense,’ says Fred Penzel, PhD . . . “They try to minimize the situation by telling the child that his fear is nothing to worry about. That strategy usually backfires,”  he says.  But do use a matter-of-fact tone.  ”Acknowledging fear is important, but ‘you don’t want to go in the opposite direction and excessively reassure your child . . . That sends the message that there is something to be afraid of.”

*******

Redbook magazine’s Mom’s Survival Guide is jam pack full of information that could benefit all kinds of moms on topics ranging from behavior and emotional health to education and getting involved in enrichment and community programs.  Written in a style quite similar to Redbook magazine with many experts in fields of child development, diet and nutrition, psychology, and more, including quotes and advice from real parents, the book is a quick read and great for reading from topic to topic as opposed to cover to cover.  As with any parenting book, I found that some advice resonated with my intuitive parenting style while other tidbits did not.  That said, over all, I found it to be a pretty helpful book especially since everyday I am facing parenting challenges where I know that I do not have the answers.

I am giving away a copy of Redbook magazine’s Mom’s Survival Guide.  Simply leave a comment on this post sharing why you think this book could help you and your family.  I’ll put the book in the mail, though I will ask that the winner cover postage costs.

So, what kinds of parenting issues have you been dealing with lately?

“Levi?!?  What’re you doing?”

“Uhhh . . . nothin’ . . . What’d you think I was doing?”

“Levi?  What are you doing?”

“Uh, uh, I’m organizing.  I’m organizing our recycling.”

“Organizing the recycling, huh?  How about you back up five steps and organize the bottom shelves of the pantry you just pulled apart?”

“Huh?”

*******

Levi’s first official word is, “Uh-oh.”   Being that this is my first boy baby, I have to say, his choice of words couldn’t be more appropriate.  What am I going to do with you Levi?  You’re too cute . . . too curious, my little monkey.

Two things:

1.  My post about meeting Attachment Parenting International‘s founders Barbara Nicholson and Lysa Parker is live on API Speaks.  If you didn’t get a chance to read it and see photos the first time around, click here for more.

2.  I’ve been reading Stacy’s blog, Mama Om, for quite some time now.  Every time I stop by and read what she and her boys are up to, I am inspired.  She shares her parenting wisdom, challenging moments, and practical tips for peaceful communication.  When I read Stacy’s post called “Taking It In,” I was reminded of Imago therapy in which “[d]ialogue consists of Mirroring (repeating) each statement, Summarization, Validation (“That makes sense because …”) and Empathy (“I imagine that makes you feel …”). This enables each partner [or dialogue participant] to extend themselves to understand the experience of the other as different from their own. If you can work with an Imago therapist, he or she will help to deepen that dialog.”

Lately, I’ve been feeling a disconnect with Annabelle.  I’m not sure whether it is because of the changes she is experiencing physically (and hormonally), because she is still working her baby brother into her reality, she is discovering friendships and rejection, and she is transitioning out of the school year and into summertime.  It could be any, all, or some other unknown cause for “what is” between the two of us . . . it is part of the reason I schedule time to take her on “mommy dates” or I spend a half hour to an hour cuddling and nursing her at night.  In part, I think I need for there to be a good, an awesome, a loving connection between my daughter and me . . . it is hard for me, her mama and once upon a time her everyday playmate, to think that there could be a riff.

When I read Stacy’s post though, I thought about how I communicate with her . . . I thought about how our day to day lives have changed, how we are always moving and how she is not seeing her mama as much as she used to . . . I also thought about the way she talks to me and the way I talk to her.

So I decided to give Imago a try.  I decided that when Annabelle is telling me something at the top of her lungs that I would slowly and quietly repeat back to her what she was saying to me.  This happened this morning.  I was talking to my friend Rebecca over our car’s bluetooth connection.  Rebecca and I were making plans to bring our kids to an indoor playground since it was raining outside.  I said, “Oh no!  I forgot socks!  Do you think you could bring a pair of socks for me and for Annabelle?”  I knew Levi wouldn’t need socks since he isn’t old enough yet to play in the “sock zone.”

Meanwhile, in the backseat, Annabelle was telling me, with all her might, “NO!  NO!  I DON’T WANT SOCKS!”

I politely got off the phone with Rebecca.  Then I turned to look at Annabelle and I made eye contact with her.  I said, “You don’t want socks.”

“No,” she a little more quietly.  ”It’s not cold out and I don’t want socks.”

“Okay.  It’s not cold so you don’t want socks.”

“No,” she said a little more emphatically.

So I tried to explain a bit about the sock rule.  I said, “Did you know that the playground has a rule?  The playground has a rule that everyone needs to wear socks.”  This is true.  In the past, I’ve had to purchase socks from this indoor play area so that Annabelle and I could enter the playground.

In the last year, between age 3 and on her way to 4, Annabelle has become so articulate.  She looked at me, raised her eyebrows and said, “But Mama, why do we have to wear socks?  Why is it a rule?”

“It’s a rule because the playground wants people to protect their feet from germs.  They want to protect your feet and other kids feet and other mommies and daddies feet from spreading germs.  Does that make sense?”

She nodded.   A little while later when we met up with our friends, Annabelle put on her socks.

******

Now, I have to tell you that the Imago approach helped me slow down and “hear” my daughter.  It helped me hear what was behind her “No!”  About an hour later though, she melted down and we decided that we ought to head home.  In the car, without prompting, she said to me, “I’m feeling kinda grumpy this morning Mama.”  We then talked about how she had woke up earlier than she usually does and how she hadn’t eaten enough . . . anyone would feel irritable if they hadn’t slept or eaten enough, right?  At home, I gave her a bowl of cold whole wheat pasta, a favorite lunch of hers, and a few minutes later she was giggling and playing with her brother.

So I walk away from these situations with more to reflect on; I am going to keep working the Imago approach into our communication patterns and I am going to pay more attention to my little girl’s physical needs.  I’m already feeling more connected to her . . . and it was just one change on one day.

Yesterday, I bought this purple dinosaur costume at a consignment sale. I figured Levi could wear it this coming Halloween. Of course, when I came home, Annabelle insisted on wearing it. She loooooooves dinosaurs. In fact, she was a green dinosaur for this past Halloween and the wheels were already turning: I thought she and her brother might be the most adorable little dinosaurs together this Halloween.

Anyway, she asked to put the costume on. Here she is:

Then she asked me, “Mama, do dinosaurs fart?”

Postpartum Virginia, an organization that I am so grateful for, shared the following article with me. Not only does the author provide all parents with a little perspective but the article is encouraging for women and families who are dealing with postpartum depression and anxiety. This was the “perfect” article for me to read this week, :-)

Have I Wrecked My Child’s Life? Parenting After Postpartum Depression & Anxiety

Now another story in the series responding to reader questions about postpartum depression. Many of you wanted to know how to be a parent after going through perinatal mood and anxiety disorders … how to get over the guilt, how to move on as a mom, etc. Today, Ann Dunnewold, PhD, is our guest author. Ann is a Dallas psychologist whose mission is to arm women against the pressures of modern motherhood. A past president of PSI, she is the author of “Even June Cleaver Would Forget the Juice Box”, and co-author of the new book “Life Will Never Be the Same: The Real Mom’s Postpartum Survival Guide”, a book for real moms that tells the honest truth about what to expect emotionally after the birth of a baby.

Have I wrecked my child’s life?

What mother’s brain has never entertained this question? Proof of our mother-blaming culture lurks in the scowls and murmurs aimed at mothers whose children fall apart in the grocery store checkout line or on any plane. Pre-mama days, the fleeting thought “when I’m a mom, I’ll never let that happen!” is nearly universal.

Growing up in this culture (vs. the moon, for instance), this subliminal standard of “good baby, good mom” — or its darker side: “bad kid, bad mom” — takes root in our brains. Then comes the powerful whammy of postpartum depression/anxiety symptoms, a big, black cloud obscuring the mom you want to be. Overwhelmed with worry, you second guess every decision and freeze near your baby. It’s definitely not the Hallmark card mommy vision you embraced during pregnancy. Concern skyrockets not just about your ability to parent, but about the effects of your mood on your baby. How to be the mom you pictured? Can you ever get past this? Will this warp your child? These fears are entirely natural.

Be reassured. Over 25 years of working with new moms, I’ve seen that moms routinely rally for their babies. Women paste on a smile, push through the daily grind and parent effectively even when bombarded with symptoms. Research says that when moms with PPD cannot care for their children, the baby’s relationship with others — fathers, family members, paid caregivers — protects the baby from ill effects. Babies bond to others, in addition to mom, and learn to trust and love. When mothers get effective treatment, there need be no long-lasting effects on the child’s development.

In the midst of PPD and parenting, it’s helpful to stop and acknowledge what you are doing for your baby. Leave a sheet of paper on the counter. Tally each mothering task: you changed a diaper, you fed, you burped, you rocked, you wiped up spit-up, you patted, you soothed … ad nauseam. Every moment counts, so them.

Once you’ve recovered, how can you drop the self-doubt about your parenting? Parenting after PPD is just parenting. Feeling good about your parenting, depression and anxiety or not, comes from tuning into some simple truths.

1. We’re human first, mothers second. We all make mistakes, have days good and bad, moods sunny and rotten. On balance, it is the ratio that matters. Even June Cleaver, the pearl-adorned, cooking-baking icon, raised her voice at the Beaver in exasperation. And he was still a perfectly well-adjusted kid.

2. No single parenting event, or period of time, will make or break your child.* Were your symptoms debilitating for two months? Surely you know the importance of the first five years of a child’s life in determining the person he will become. Keep perspective: out of 60 months, two months equals .03%. This is a minuscule influence in the sum total of your child’s life.

* (with a few horrific, unmentionable exceptions. Please don’t go there! Stop, chattering brain — that’s just anxiety! NO reason to assume that because you imagine it, that catastrophe is headed in your direction. Take a deep breath. Consider the odds.)

3. You are not solely responsible for your child’s development. You are ONE influence — along with the combination of genes, temperament, fathers, partners, grandparents, siblings, teachers and peers. Resist the mother-blaming and again focus on the big picture.

4. Acknowledge that total control in parenting, as in life, is an illusion. We think that if we live the right life and follow the rules, results are guaranteed. A perfect life for our perfect child. Wrong, really just wrong. The phrase to tattoo on your forehead is “control what you can, let go of the rest.” Have you made every effort to ensure your child is safely cared for and healthy? Is your baby talked to, fed and changed, loved on, sleeps when tired? You are doing the best you can, controlling what you can. Your child will be just fine.

5. Find a parenting philosophy that fits for you and stick to ONLY that expert advice for two weeks. Read nothing else. Mimic a CD on repeat: “this works for us, this works for us.” Say it to well-meaning advice-givers who flock to new moms like gnats on a watermelon. Listen to your gut. Parenting is not instinctual, but you do know what fits you.

There’s no single magical Right Way to parent. All we can hope is to be the best moms we can, given our strengths, personal foibles and world view. This is what I call a perfectly good mom. No one is a perfect mom. But we each can be a perfectly good mom, the perfect mom for our perfectly good kids, by simply embracing our true selves … warts, moods, worries and all.