What’s your family’s bath time ritual? Are you a go-it-aloner or do you love to share shower time with your kiddos? To read more about my family’s bath time bonding, stop on over at API Speaks to read my cobathing post.
If you enjoyed this post, make sure you subscribe to my RSS feed!
Nurturing a trusting relationship with my daughter Annabelle is one aspect of mothering that I value most. Over these past 19 months, I have made it my priority to be physically available to Annabelle, to nurse her on demand, to sleep beside her for naps and at nighttime, to learn with her, to laugh with her, to dance, play peek-a-boo, and listen to her as the world and its existence unfolds in her life. Mothering has been the defining experience of my life.
So it is challenging and scary for me as I enter a new phase of our relationship; Annabelle is turning 2 this December and let’s just say that her behavioral and emotional palettes are expanding. It seems that even with an ever growing vocabulary, “no” is her favorite word, sentence, and perhaps even, philosophy. Sometimes I feel as though she so frequently responds with “No!” that I must interject with an option that she is sure to say “yes” to. Linguistically, I wonder, isn’t “yes” as easy as “no” to say? Shouldn’t my daughter be able to form the word “yes” upon her lips? The simple answer, at least in our house, is “no.”
Being the sensitive and reflective soul that I am, whenever a problem crops up in my life, whether it be work related, with friends, family, etc., I tend to search for answers (and perhaps comfort too) in books.
Right now a stack of positive discipline books rests upon my desk. I am referencing these books with the hope that I will uncover the magical way to listen so that my daughter learns how to talk (and not scream) and how to talk so that my daughter will listen. Not to be a cynic, but when I am reading all of this upbeat advice about parenting, I wonder, is it possible to be so levelheaded and reasonable when my almost 2 year old is screaming at me or standing up on her table set?
I want to practice gentle discipline and be a helpful, loving, and compassionate mother to her, but sometimes when I practice positive parenting (especially when I am at my wit’s end and at a loss to reason), I often feel like a fraud. Over and over I ask myself whether or not my daughter needs to be “corrected” or disciplined for something she is doing and whether or not I am suffering from a desire to control a situation when there is no real need to intervene. And then there are those moments when I fear that I allow my daughter to walk all over me, calling the shots, and behaving well, like a little diva.
With all of my parenting concerns multiplying and the stack of positive discipline books piling up, I happily opened an old notebook from a few months back to reread my notes from the book How to Talk So Kids Will Listen by Adele Faber. One of my favorite lines from Faber’s book is “When kids feel right, they’ll behave right” (2), and “Parents don’t usually accept their children’s feelings.” To be honest, as much as these lines resonate with gentle parenting (and my ideal of myself as a gentle and positive parent), I often find that while I am completely accepting of my daughter’s feelings, I don’t always appreciate her accompanying behavior.
Here’s a few pointers from Faber that I once found helpful and am hoping will work again and again:
Helping a Child in Distress
1. Listen to the child with your full attention.
2. Acknowledge your child’s feelings with a word; for example, say, “Oh,” “Uh-huh,” and “I see.”
3. Give a name to your child’s feelings; for example, say, “You seem frustrated.”
4. Grant your child’s wishes with a fantasy.
Regarding the above advice, I have to say that when I apply these suggestions to moments when my daughter is expressing difficult emotions, the results are not always a happy and satisfied child. Rather, she has responded to me with greater frustration when I calmly use a word to name her feelings or I remark that I wish her desire were a reality (for both of our sakes). What I am trying to say is that these suggestions likely add up to lots and lots of practice. What I am learning from Faber’s tips is that I need to accept my daughter’s feelings, even when I don’t like her behavior.
Faber recommends that parents avoid consoling their child by offering a logical explanation when the child is in distress; logic will not alleviate a child’s protests. However, while parents should name a child’s feelings and accept such feelings, parents should also set limits; for example, a child may feel angry but he or she may not use their fists to show their feelings. Faber explains that accepting a child’s feelings does not mean parenting in a passive way; our children are looking for guidance and boundaries from the adults in their lives.
Another important aspect of accepting your child’s feelings is to refrain from asking your child “Why” he or she feels a particular way. By asking our children why something is upsetting to them, we are requesting that they justify their emotions to us; when I think of my own adult experiences with difficult emotions, I know that is not always easy to articulate the cause (and my vocabulary is more diverse than my 19 month old’s). Besides, isn’t it belittling to ask someone to explain why they feel one way or another? Are we not entitled for feel how we feel?
How to Talk so Kids Will Listen is extensive in its description of scenarios of helping our children manage their emotions; to get started with the parenting initial tips mentioned here, I think I will spend a week or two practicing, and I am certain that Annabelle will provide me with ample opportunities to pay attention to her, to name her feelings, accept her feelings, to help her work through her feelings (like granting her desires with a fantasy), and to practice setting limits for her behavior.
Positive and gentle discipline is going to take a fair amount of effort, patience, and compassion (for myself and for Annabelle). Building a trusting relationship with my daughter that lasts a lifetime is of great importance to me, so I am willing to give gentle, positive discipline my best efforts, even when I feel like a fraud.
How do other parents manage their child’s difficult emotions and behavior? What other techniques do parents call on to guide themselves through their child’s challenging phases? And last, I am eager to learn how other parents practice setting fair but firm boundaries for their children.
If you enjoyed this post, make sure you subscribe to my RSS feed!
Happy Friday green readers! As an alternative to my weekly green friend of the week post, I am introducing a quick green linky post where I direct green folks like yourself to green goodies around the web. This week, I am asking folks to think about topics ranging from fish manging on dead skin to using honey as an alternative medicine for wounds. So, here we go:
1. Fish Pedicures. As a follow up to my post about giving yourself a good karma pedicure, I thought I’d see what folks think about the new fish spa pedicure in which people pay for Garra Rufa, or Doctor Fish, to nibble away at the dead skin on their feet. Spas that employ Garra Rufa to eat customer’s foot skin have been open in Turkey, Japan, Umag, Croatia, China, Hainan, South Korea, Singapore, and Malaysia for several years; recently John Ho started offering a fish spa treatment at his salon Yvonne Hair and Nail Salon here in Northern Virginia. According to Ho, the hot water in which Garra Rufa thrive does not support plant life so the fish learned to thrive on available food sources, like dead skin. As someone who cares about animal rights, I feel somewhat weary about the idea of a fish pedicure becoming a widespread trend; at the same time, I am curious as to what the pedicure feels like, how sanitary it is, and whether or not the fish are happy to feast on all that dead skin. What is your opinion on fish pedicures? Would you consider a fish pedicure?
2. Hollywood Vaccination Debate. Amanda Peet apologized on Good Morning America for her negative comments in Cookie Magazine, in which she called parents who choose not to vaccinate their children “parasites.” On GMA, Peet emphasized that she is not an expert, that she is an actor, and that the public should “go to the experts” for advice regarding vaccinations. GMA covered Amanda Peet’s comments and stance regarding vaccinations by juxtaposing her with footage from an interview with Jenny McCarthy, who spoke with GMA for her Green Our Vaccines rally, which she lead in Washington, D.C. Whether or not you agree with Peet or McCarthy, based on Peet’s interview on GMA, I agree with her stance regarding whether or not parents and other guardians should vaccinate based on the opinions of celebrities. Many parents consider their child’s pediatrician the most qualified expert to help them determine their child’s medical care; at the same time, other parents are not convinced that their pediatrician is the most qualified individual to make choices in their child’s life (especially those in which an unknown x-factor, like mercury, can be life changing). A great read for any parent hoping to learn more about vaccinations and vaccine schedules is The Vaccine Book by Robert Sears. What I love about The Vaccine Book is that Sears offers a course of action for all parents based on their concerns with vaccinations; our family is following Sears’ alternative vaccine schedule.
3. World Breastfeeding Week. Last week I ran this post highlighting awesome boob coverage around the net. This week, I recommend that folks check out Creative Kismet’s boob cookies and breastfeeding art. She is an especially talented artist, and if you can’t tell, I’m among her fans. Go on over and see for yourself.
4. Save at the Pump. Check out Jenn’s post about surprising ways to save cash at the pump. My favorite tip is that keeping your car clean and light will help cut costs each time you fuel up (a perfect excuse for me to indulge my habit of cleaning my car each week). I love being green and clean, and an added bonus is being able to save dollars!
5. Bee Alternative to Antibiotics. Laura over at We Don’t Buy it just shared this post about how her son’s leg wound (from a biking collision with a fire hydrant) is being cared for with a honey treatment. To read more about her research on honey and its healing abilities, go here.
If you enjoyed this post, make sure you subscribe to my RSS feed!
Photo credit: Melody Yazdani Photography
One of my favorite photographers is my friend Melody Yazdani, a professional photographer and full time mamma living here in Northern Virginia. Yesterday, Melody snapped beautiful photos of our Montessori group while we were on a butterfly, insect, and bird expedition at a local garden estate. So, go on, indulge yourself in some delightful visual beauty. Go on over to Melody’s Xanga site. You’ll thank me for it later.
If you enjoyed this post, make sure you subscribe to my RSS feed!
Breastfeeding is one of my passions, as anyone might tell based on the number of breasts visible each week on my blog. =) So I am excited that today marks the first day of World Breastfeeding Week, an event celebrated in 120 countries worldwide. The goals for World Breastfeeding Week and for La Leche League International include achieving a gold standard of exclusive infant breastfeeding for the first 6 months of life and providing appropriate complementary foods while continuing to breastfeed for the first 2 years of life. Looking for ways to honor the occasion and help raise awareness about breastfeeding in your community? Great! Because there’s much to be done . . .
Julie over at API Speaks posted an awesome list created by the La Leche League about how to support breastfeeding mothers. Other bonuses to her post include a personal story about her breastfeeding journey over the past 4 years as well a chance to win a free copy of The Womanly Art of Breastfeeding.
Also, check out La Leche League in the U.S.A. World Breastfeeding Week pages to find out where you can celebrate and support breastfeeding in your state and local communities. Here in Virginia, there will be several breastfeeding awareness walks, auctions, picnics, fund raisers, and discussions on personal care.
Who else is taking action to mobilize a supportive breastfeeding culture? Check out:
Crunchy Domestic Goddess blogging about World Breastfeeding Week and pointing folks in the direction of some exciting contests.
Kelly at Nuvo Maternity Blog posting a tribute video for World Breastfeeding Week.
and
Motherwear’s Breastfeeding blog is hosting a free gift certificate contest to celebrate.
So, how will you celebrate World Breastfeeding Week? Will you pen a letter to your legislator on behalf of breastfeeding mothers? Maybe you’ll encourage a new breastfeeding mother to hang in there? To share your breastfeeding story or how you plan to take action for a supportive breastfeeding culture, please drop a comment.
Happy World Breastfeeding Week!
——
Top image courtesy of Breastfeeding.com
If you enjoyed this post, make sure you subscribe to my RSS feed!
This morning Annabelle and I made our weekly stop at the local library. I love to browse the new titles sections, check out the used magazines that the library sells (these are the only magazines I allow our family to purchase because of the monetary and environmental costs), and peak into the children’s section with Annabelle.
Today when we sat down, Annabelle ran over to the board book shelves, which are centrally located and easily accessible to small children, picked out a book, and ran back back to me to find a place on my lap. We read through an ABC book and color book before Annabelle decided that book time on Mamma’s lap is a wonderful opportunity for nyum-nyum time (or nursing).
I scanned our surroundings to see whether other parents and children were around to observe Annabelle breastfeeding. While I do not mind nursing in front of other people, I also want others to feel comfortable (and sometimes other parents do not want their older children to see a breastfeeding mother). I approached the page volunteer to ask whether or not I might nurse in the children’s activity room. She was unsure about the program schedule and suggested I check with the children’s desk. There, the librarian told me I could nurse in the activity room but that it is a public space and that I should expect other patrons to come into the room. I thanked her and headed for the room where I comfortably nursed Annabelle and read to her.
Navigating the library and finding a safe space to nurse is usually an easy task, however, there are places and times of day where breastfeeding in public is not only challenging but sometimes uncomfortable. Sadly I have felt a neighbor’s disapproving eyes on me when I nursed Annabelle in front of her (although I am unsure what her anxiety is about a mother breastfeeding her child).
Luckily, there are many breastfeeding mothers and pro-breastfeeding women and men out there who encourage nursing mothers to nurse their children. While I was thinking about my own concerns about breastfeeding in public, I came across Baby Maternity’s tips about this very subject. These tips remind breastfeeding mothers what their rights are for nursing in public and includes helpful hints for safe and comfortable nursing.
So the next time your child asks or signals that he or she would like to nurse in a public space, I hope that you will feel empowered to do so. How do you handle nursing in public? What are your ideas about discreetly nursing or openly nursing? Have you ever had a breastfeeding experience in public that surprised you? I’d love to hear others’ thoughts.
If you enjoyed this post, make sure you subscribe to my RSS feed!
Having read a good deal of breastfeeding literature, including titles by Dr. Sears, I have learned that breastfeeding, as an aspect of mothering, is an activity that encourages and enhances a mother’s ability to mother. In my own experiences as a breastfeeding mother, I have found that this theory holds up (although I must be honest and admit that while breastfeeding is a wonderful bonding activity for mother and child, during those most difficult nights of marathon nursing with little or no sleep, a mother is at the mercy of her spouse, partner, or whoever is available to help her stay positive, breastfeed her baby, and get some sleep).
Now there is more scientific proof that breastfeeding encourages a positive relationship between mother and child. According to a study conducted by a team at Warwick University and published in the journal PLoS Computational Biology,
Because oxytocin encourages feelings of trust and confidence, and helps to reduce fear, a mother who breastfeeds benefits from experiencing a greater maternal urge to love and care for her baby.
For breastfeeding mothers, this study only confirms what many lactating mammas already know to be true. What I wonder is whether or not oxytocin can benefit women who have trouble breastfeeding but who feed their babies formula while positioning their bottle feeding child against a bare breast. Perhaps mothers who bottle feed can benefit from the release of oxytocin too, even if they experience a slow milk letdown or none at all? I am curious and eager to learn more about this aspect of mothering. I would encourage anyone who has more knowledge about breastfeeding as well as bottle feeding to please enlighten me [us--as in all who are interested in this topic] by please leaving a comment to share your thoughts and wisdom.
If you enjoyed this post, make sure you subscribe to my RSS feed!
The other night as I was dressing Annabelle after her bath, she looked up at me and then reached for her pajama bottoms, which I was holding. She patted her chest and her eyes spoke, saying, “I want to do it myself, this time.” Since we are incorporating the Montessori approach into our lives, I asked her, “Do you want to try?” to which she responded, “Aye,” her way of saying yes. I immediately handed over the bottoms and then spontaneously took off my own pants, sat on the floor, and showed her how to hold her pants open and stick one leg into a pant leg at a time before standing up and pulling the pants the rest of the way up. After a few tries, we two headed for the hallway where she demonstrated her new pants putting on skills to her dad. All 3 of us clapped for her.
Like any attached mother might feel, I was beaming with pride that my daughter could put on her own pants and is taking steps away from me (learning to dress oneself is a major achievement in my book) but at the same time I got teary eyed just thinking about all the other milestones ahead of us, and how meaningful each one will be and how each step she takes is actually one step further away from her mom and dad. Recognizing that it is time to let go (even just a little bit) is difficult for me, and yet, I want my daughter to be able to do things for herself, to be her own person, and to trust me and her father enough to be able to go away from the nest and live her own life.
This week I feel large with gratitude. Here’s why:
1. Coffee. Yes, I am aware of how coffee trade influences global warming, and most of the time I refuse to touch the stuff (having sworn it off after long sleepless nights in college when I stayed up writing to meet deadlines). This week, though, I confronted a new beast in the no sleep department of parenting (marathon teething and nursing to be precise), and for the first time since Annabelle’s first 6 weeks of life, I felt that I needed a cup of joe to survive the day after having had no sleep. My dear Annabelle has the unique ability of waking up throughout the night (and I wonder, when does this child sleep?) but then getting up in the morning as if the last 9 hours never happened, being able to bounce around the house and begging her sleep deprived mamma to head outside to the pool. Aye, yay, yay. Thank you to the coffee gods (or Starbucks) for supplying me with the good stuff this week.
2. Kid Sharing. Two of my good friends and I are starting to swap a few hours of our child care responsibilities, so that one is free to pursue her interests while the other mom mothers 2 kids rather than 1 (all 3 of us are first time parents with only 1 child). What I am noticing from our arrangement is that: 2 kids play together, explore, and operate within their own universes, keeping each other busy, however, without frequent breaks in play (like changing the environment, having a snack, turning on the music), 2 kids turns out to be more time for mom to referee play (share please, touch your friends gently, etc.). Caring for 2 children has also opened my eyes to the logistics and added strength (physical and mental) needed for mothering more than 1 child; for example, lifting up 2 little ones and navigating a short walk from the car to a destination (say, the duck pond) is no easy venture. Moms of more than 1, I am in awe of you.
3 . New bloggy friends. I am meeting so many green minded people and it makes me so happy! I love being with like minded people, sharing ideas, and learning from each other (although I also enjoy people who challenge my ideas and who make me think about why I believe something or do something a certain way). Making new bloggy friends is something like discovering several new universes since reading a blog is a bit voyeuristic and allows us to peak into the lives of someone else. Recently I have discovered the following blogs, whose writers offer new ideas, pieces of themselves (or their families), and beautiful things (like photography and green suggestions). Go check them out:
4. Mamma Mia. Yesterday my husband and I dropped our daughter with a friend and headed for the movie theater intending to the see The Dark Knight, but we arrived late and no surprise, the movie was sold out. Secretly I hoped to see Mamma Mia but didn’t suggest it since musical theater is not one of my husband’s favorite outlets. What I couldn’t have predicted though was that we both actually laughed and cried while watching this film (we both laughed when Pierce Brosnan sang . . . strange to see James Bond singing, although he has a nice voice). Meryl Streep gave an incredible and energetic performance as Donna Sheridan, the owner of a hotel on a Greek island. Throughout the film I found myself identifying with both Donna, who loves her daughter more than life itself, and her daughter Sophie, who is about to be married and who is desperate to find out who she is. Scenes with Meryl Streep, Christie Baranski, and Julie Walters never failed to be flamingly flamboyant (loved the sparkling ABBA costumes on these 3 ladies). I totally loved this movie, and oh, it was nice to be on a date with my husband, too.
5. Quiet Sunday Mornings. This morning I woke up first, came downstairs, opened the windows, and sat down to write. It has been such a treat to be able to write in quiet without the hubbub of our home happening behind me or under me (depending on where I write). Of course, without the hubbub of my home, I fear that I would have no inspiration or desire to write. Still, the quiet of a Sunday morning (by myself) and the promise of a day ahead spent with my family is satisfying.
I hope that anyone who stops by and reads my gratitude post this week will also enjoy a relaxing Sunday, and if not, I hope you’ll find time for yourself (even if that means hiding in your in-laws bathroom for a few moments of peace; hey, family can be challenging). However your day unfolds, may it be a happy one.
Cheers,
Green Mamma
If you enjoyed this post, make sure you subscribe to my RSS feed!
I want to share good news with the green blogging and natural parenting community. Today, my post about the concerns of co-sleeping dads (previously published on Green Mamma on April 30) was republished on API Speaks, the blog of Attachment Parenting International.
If you get a moment, check out my post by clicking here!
If you enjoyed this post, make sure you subscribe to my RSS feed!
I’m psyched about a new web-site called 5 Minutes for Going Green, a sister site to the popular 5 Minutes for Moms. Not only am I happy to find another wonderful resource about green living, but I’m also super excited that I will be a regular contributor! Click here to check out my latest post on green haircare.
Another bonus is that I’ll be part of a fabulous green team that includes incredible writers such as:
Coming Up for Air
Crunchy Domestic Goddess
Crunchy Chicken
Green and Clean Mom
Green Mamma
Healthy Green Moms
Kerrianne.org
Little Green Secrets
mod*mom
Nature Moms
Surely You Nest
The EcoChic Organizer
The Green Parent
The Smart Mama
To Think Is To Create
Green living is easy, do-able, and good for our families. Take 5 and learn a little bit about greening your lifestyle.
If you enjoyed this post, make sure you subscribe to my RSS feed!
