I wake up at 5:30
Levi wants to play
Downstairs I turn on the music
and watch Levi reach and reach and reach for his blocks.
At 6:00, Annabelle peaks her head into the room and says, “Mommy . . . ”
She wants to play too.
She builds a train track around her dad’s pool table using her brother’s puzzle mats.
When 6:30 rolls around, I wake up my hubby. His turn.
I drive to my yoga class. Yoga makes me return to me. I notice myself. I laugh at my thoughts, swinging like monkeys from branch to branch. I close my eyes. I need to let go.
I stay with myself the entire time, opening my eyes only when I do not understand something. We move into corpse pose, the last pose of the class. I clench my fist, point my toes, shrug my shoulders; it is oxymoronic perhaps that I tense up with intention because I am learning to relax.
The class ends and I feel as though I am going to weep. I haven’t felt so full with sadness in so long. I am taken aback by it.
I drive home. Annabelle builds a train track with her brother’s mats around our kitchen table. Levi scoots around in his walker. My husband hops and dances with Annabelle around her tracks. I smile.
I wonder where the sadness comes from. Is it the news in Haiti? Is it the low dose birth control that makes me feel this way? Is it still the postpartum depression? Is it something else? What am I confronting?
At midmorning, we walk outside into the sun. Levi gazes at the trees, the cars, the melting snow. Annabelle runs ahead of us barking orders. We play red-light-green-light. I push Levi on the swing for the first time and Annabelle pumps her legs back and forth. They swing together.
I laugh and Annabelle starts to sing. We sing made-up songs together for an hour.
I read stories to my babies and tuck them in for nap. Sadness is gone but somehow I appreciate its presence earlier in the day. My days are so full, so long, but so full . . . and I want to feel all of it.
{ 9 comments }
This is a lovely portrait of your day. Very evocative, I enjoyed it. :)
(And I don’t know what made you sad, but I think we all feel that way from time to time. Especially when our lives ARE so full.)
You always were an early riser. I remember you calling me back in college and waking me up :)
Nature and plants have a way of calming us, healing our souls. I took a course in Urban Botany years ago and that’s what I really took away from it. Time outside makes a huge difference for most people, and I know it does for me.
Amber, exactly. I mean, I think we do all feel sad from time to time, and even though my experience with it (as depression) needed attention, what I am getting at is that feeling sad from time to time is normal and should be felt with appreciation in the same way that we open ourselves up to uplifting feelings, like happiness and inspiration. Sadness too is/can be a positive feeling.
Abbie, once upon a time, I was an early riser by choice. Then I met my husband, :-) He taught me to appreciate sleep. So, if I had a choice (these days) I’d sleep until at least 7:00. It’s Levi that is our new early riser. He just loves to roll around, shriek and play, play, play first thing when he gets up.
And for sure (about the healing powers of nature) . . . I always feel better when I get doses of sunlight. I have a friend whose husband owns a sunlight lamp for days when he can’t get outside (from work). In fact, while we do have CFLs in most of our lamps and overhead lighting, I did switch out a few to the reveal bulbs which are supposed to mimic daylight . . .
Beautiful poem. It still amazes me how life can be so full and yet we can feel like we aren’t even in it, experiencing it…as if things are happening along side us and we are watching.
I’m sorry you’re sad. Keep writing it out and working through it. Somewhere through this there is another side, and you will get there someday.
Your writing and sentiments, your feelings about your day is absolutely beautiful Jessica, thank you for sharing this piece of you.
Thank you.
glad to see you writing so much. sorry you were sad, but you had a pretty good day anyway. maybe its the moon, i feel a little sad myself. love you, give the babies a great big hug from me, miss you love mama
jessica – i’ve been in that place lately, too – I do wonder if there’s something about the non-stop between the 2 kids that makes us miss who we were (our ability to have silence during the day), before both kids. I’m trying to build “off” time during my day, but having difficulty doing it. I’m having trouble batching the kids quiet times as one (big) wakes the other (little) which causes greater issues. Waiting (not so patiently) to spend more time outside… (not motivated with today’s rain!!)
What a lovely summary of your day. Moments of joy and peace… and moments of sadness. I love how you want to make an effort to feel all of your day.
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