I never thought I’d have to ask myself the following question until Annabelle was about 13: Who is my daughter?
In September Annabelle started preschool. During the first weeks, we’d hear little about her day. All I knew was what she’d tell me. At pick up each day, she’d holler, “Mommy!” and then give me a quick and slight frown. I’d ask her, “Do you like school? Are you having fun? Who are your friends?” She’d respond, “Yeah. I asked for my mommy today.” “I made you a picture.” and “I like Ella and Abigail.” Because two of her neighborhood friends are named Ella and Abigail, I wondered Annabelle had met and made friends with two other little girls with the same names or if it was . . . something else.
During her second month at school, I received a phone call from Annabelle’s teacher. It was our official first parent-teacher conference. I asked the teacher how Annabelle was doing in the class and whether she was making friends with her classmates. Her teacher gave positive (but in my mind, vague) feedback. “Annabelle’s so smart.” On the friendship question, she told me, “Well, they’re all a little bit shy with each other.” I began to worry. Whenever I worry, I refer to the stream of anxious thoughts that follow as being typed into my mind by the typewriter lady. Anyway, the typewriter lady began to panic. “Oh no!” she typed away, “My little girl is friendless!” Since her teacher said little else about Annabelle, the typewriter lady took over and for weeks I worried about how happy my little girl was about going to school.
Weeks later I ran into one of the mothers of another student in the class. Annabelle was tossing pennies into a fountain. The other mom held out her hand, “You’re Annabelle’s mom?” She smiled. “Asha goes on and on about Annabelle. Apparently all the kids in the class do.” The typewriter lady set off, fingers flying, panic and worry the theme of her work. “What’s wrong with my little wonderful beautiful darling girl? Why are the other kids talking about her?”
As it turns out, the typewriter lady had it all wrong. Because I know Annabelle’s ballet teacher fairly well and she teaches at Annabelle’s preschool too, I asked her what was going on. “Oh, Annabelle is pretty popular,” she told me. “She’s always talking and is very outgoing.” Typewriter lady again. She is such a pain in my ass. I hear her wondering: “So, does Annabelle talk too much?”
So I’m no longer worrying that my daughter is some sort of social outcast with no friends. But this does not mean that the typewriter is without work . . . she’s always conjuring up something. Yeah, see, that comment about Annabelle “always talking” gave the typewriter lady great food for thought. Now I wonder, is my kid the class talker? Is my kid a pain the teacher’s butt?
The larger issue is that Annabelle is now a school kid. She spends some 4 to 5 hours away from her mom each week. She paints, she sings, she dances, she talks, and she discovers, all in the company of other people. And she’s growing up. I think that’s what’s really making the typewriter lady work overtime. Deep down, I know that my little baby girl is growing up into a big girl . . . she’s becoming her own person. And it’s a very scary thought for me to let go of her. But I know that that is what I must do: hold her hand, sing to her at night, kiss her boo boos, and drive her here and there, and slowly, slowly, let her go.
Gosh, I don’t remember reading this part in the mothering manual. Darn.
{ 7 comments }
My daughter has been in daycare since she was 1, when I went back to work a few days a week. That was 4 years ago next month, and I have to tell you I still wonder. I still am not sure what my kid is like, or what I should be saying or doing to help or encourage her. I also recognize that a lot of my own fears (and this may just be my own thing) are related to my need to be a good student, but played out through my daughter. I want the teachers to like me, and think I’m a good mom.
All these little bits ad pieces of parenting, they can really trip you up. I’m sure Annabelle is fine just as I’m sure my daughter is fine, but it’s easier to say that than it is to stop the Typewriter Lady.
Jessica—
I absolutely know what you are going through…Cole goes to school everyday from 9-noon and slowly it has dawned on me that he is officially growing up & although I am very much apart of his life eventually he will be completely self-sufficient & independent, which of course is what we are all striving for fir our children. But I can’t help feeling a little sorrow amongst my joy of watching him grow into this beautiful butterfly. Is this normal? I don’t know. I can say I had no idea this life I brought into the world would bloom so quickly. But I am along for the ride no matter what with as few blinks of the eye as possible so as to not miss a moment.
yes. i totally hear you. bean started preschool two mornings a week less than a year ago. it sure has changed things…i won’t even get started on it except to say i can relate to both theme’s here: the wondering where YOUR child is going and the worrying about how they doing.
nice to have you writing again :)
Amber, I’m trying my best not to think of my child as being “a reflection” on her parents . . . even though in some ways she is and some people will think this irregardless of my and my husband’s approach to parenting (both of us trying to let her grow into herself and not pushing for her to become things that we want for her).
Erin, I like your idea of being present for each and every moment.
Robin, thank you, :-)
Hi Jessica
I find myself wondering similar things. Olivia started preschool last fall and many times I have wondered if I should have waited a little longer. I remember the first time I drove by the yard and watched her hanging out with the clan it struck me that she was “by herself”. I thought this stage was going to last longer…before others would have a greater influence on her than before and when I realize I have to slowly let go. At least I hoped it would last longer.
btw, your site looks great, and a perfect name change for it.
This is a really stunning picture you took of her. Do you adjust the image at all? What do you use, if you do?
Monica, thank you, :-) I use Aperture 2 and yes I processed this photo too. I basically warmed the temperature, saturated the eyes, and then used a vignette. What kind of processing software do you use/like?
Well, right now I use Photoshop 7 as a total novice to resize for my blog. Photography is something I would like to spend more time on in the coming year so I’ll check out Aperture 2….thanks!
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