When I woke up today, I sat down and wrote my husband the following note:
“Congratulations honey. I have laryngitis. It can last 2 weeks or longer. I must refrain from speaking.”
He smiled. It’s no secret in our family and among friends that I like to talk. I am a chatterbox, or at least I am a chatterbox when I am around friends and those I feel comfortable with. It always surprises me when someone describes me as quiet or soft spoken; I am finding, lately at least, that I never am short for words, in conversation anyway. Buzzing inside me at any given moment are a trillion words, just waiting to roll off my tongue and pass my lips . . . and though it is a bit embarrassing to admit, I know that I am one of those people who has a tendency to dominate a conversation. Months ago, before ppd., I was a talker, but not the one I have morphed into since being unable to sit down and write. You see, writing a blog has likely saved many a bystander from having to engage in mindless chitchat with me . . . I suppose I’ve just started enjoying the sound of my own voice.
I am such a talker that sometimes I worry that my neighbors run for cover when they see me coming. From across the parking lot, I stand on my tiptoes and wave at the other two moms who are at home with kids too. “Hi Linda!” “Hi Stephanie!” Sometimes my advances are well received; my neighbors wave back and a conversation, that I truly didn’t intend to happen (often I’m just being polite), turns into a long discussion about something or other. I can’t help it. I just can’t shut up. Other times, the ladies will wave back and quickly say they’re off to go here or there (“Gotta run!”); I suppose that if I were them and I had to listen to me go on and on and on, well, I’d probably find that I had something to busy myself with too.
What it boils down to is that I am always thinking; there is always something on my mind, and for some reason, I just have to get it all out. Fortunately, many of my close friends, including my husband, are the greatest of listeners; I talk, they listen. This is usually a good arrangement. I am never alone with my thoughts; but then again, I am. Since most pauses in a conversation with me occur because I need to take a breath, whoever I am speaking with never gets to share what is on his or her mind. Thus, I don’t get to learn about other people because I don’t take enough time to stop and listen. And this is a loss for me because on the one hand, I am bouncing my ideas off of other people, but on the other, I don’t allow for any feedback.
Over these past two months since I broke my silence, here and to my family and friends, that I was suffering from depression, I stopped writing. This was good and bad. Mostly, I didn’t have the time. Every second of free time and every ounce of energy that I had has been reserved for my children and my husband. Without my notepad as an outlet, I turned to people as my outlet. What this meant though was that the talker within me went into over drive so that whoever I crossed paths with gets to know just about anything they want about me. I talked to the checker at the grocery store about my opinions on breastfeeding (she’d expressed disgust with women who nurse in public as she scanned my son’s weekly can of formula; I told her that if I wasn’t experiencing ppd and was still nursing, that I would be one of those women flashing a boob every time my baby asked for num-nums). I’ve also rediscovered talking on the phone (which, once upon a time, I hated to do. I’d felt that it was a waste of time), catching up with family and friends, or whoever would answer their phone, :-) Sometimes I fear that I share too much. While getting to know my neighbors better and becoming closer to my friends, family, and my husband has been great, I realize that I leave little to guess . . . there is no mystery to the universe that is Jessica.
Of course, this is all an exaggeration; having laryngitis, being unable to talk, and experiencing the ups and downs that accompany both ppd. and what I suspect accompanies any new parent’s adventure with 2 kids, I know that there is much within me that I don’t share, that I refrain from discussing with just anyone. In part my not being able to put words to everything has something to do with this (though I seriously doubt that I would hesitate to share all this too if words could do justice to what a panic attack feels like, or feeling so hopeless that I ask my husband whether we’ll ever survive the early years with our kids). When it comes to topics like these, I think that I tend to hold back, to force myself to be positive, to give hope to a discussion or a situation that most others would deem hopeless. And to be honest, I sometimes hate being that way. It feels so dishonest. At the same time, I wonder whether putting on a smile when I am feeling shitty inside, and talking my neighbors’ ears off is my way of pressing on, digging in, and trying to make it up this mountain.
So, I think that I will keep talking. Now and again, I will take a break and stop myself from butting into someone else’s chance to talk, and I will listen. I will listen because I am learning that the value of talking, of releasing what is going on inside of me, really has more to do with needing to heal, needing to grow. Oh, and I’ll keep on writing too.
And because I suspect you’re wondering . . . here are a few pics of Annabelle and Levi too, :-)
{ 11 comments }
I am a talker, of the ‘never let anyone else get a word in edgewise’ variety, like you. I am not very good at reaching out to people, but once I get going I just don’t stop.
I go back and forth on how I feel about this. Sometimes I feel guilty or bad for dominating conversations. Sometimes I try to work on specific elements of conversation – interrupting less, making small talk, introducing myself to others. And sometimes I struggle to just be quiet. I have greater and lesser degrees of success with these various projects.
The irony, for me, is that for years I forced myself to be an introvert. I worked mostly by myself, with a lot of other introverts. I didn’t talk much. I didn’t have many friends. And I was miserable. So mostly, these days, I accept myself as I am. We all have different strengths and weaknesses, and for me it’s more productive to work with and channel my constant (over)sharing in a productive and positive direction than to try to stifle it. Because there really, truly, are lots of people who would rather NOT talk, and who am I to deny them someone to listen to. ;)
I’m a talker, too. To the point where I get no work done if there’s someone to talk to at school. To the point where colleagues will tell me they have to work, so could I please leave :)
I can’t help it!
My mom had laryngitis last week, and it takes forever to go away because she won’t stop talking and rest her voice. Hopefully, youll e able to do that!
And I’m so glad to see you back online!
Hey Jessica! Glad to see you back. You are a great talker! By the way, I love all the pics, but the one with Annabelle and your husband in the leaves is amazing!
What amazing pictures! I’m so glad you found a spare moment to update your blog. It’s always so good to hear how you’re doing!
Hi Jessica. I get so excited when I see you’ve posted. Nice to hear how you are doing.
I think I’m the same way too. I talk too much. I had a friend over today, and before you knew it, I had blabbed on for most of the time she was visiting. I felt horrible after. I had so much to ask her about too. SO, thanks for writing this. It is a nice reminder to shut up and listen too.
I can’t imagine what would happen if the two of us got together. We’d have to plan a very long visit so we both would have enough time to talk -Ha! would be fun though I bet.
Your family is so beautiful. Keep taking those great shots.
Big hug!
Jessica,
How great to hear from you. I’m a talker too, I think. Worse yet, in verbally conversation I accidentally interrupt other speakers way too often. I get excited about what I have to share and because I’m “chronically helpful” I just put it out there, thinking it will be important to them. I like written communication because I can avoid that tendancy. The person that I’m listening to (reading) can get out their entire story, which I really do want to hear. Then, I can think about my response before blurting it out.
The photographs of your family are beautiful. I look forward to more photos, and always always love to read your posts… so “talk” away! I’m listening!
:) I love your update, especially the pictures!! Talking is healthy and it’s part of the reason why women tend to be able to move on from certain situations faster than men. Also, I found out in one of my psychology classes that smiling (flashing the “pearly whites”), even when you really don’t feel like it, can improve your mood. And holding a pen in your mouth with your teeth( a way that kind of forces you to “smile”), as opposed to holding it in your lips( this way kind of makes you look like you’re frowning) can do the same thing. Interesting, huh? So talk until you feel better and make yourself smile even on the days when you want to cry, trust me, it works ;) Talk to you soon!!!
you’re back!!!!!!
i am also a talker. but, you probably know that from our phone conversations. nothing wrong with a good old talk! but, i am very very happy to see you blogging again. i do think sometimes it helps me to be a better listener when i get some of the words in my head onto paper (or the screen) so things can quiet down in there.
So glad to hear ya talking! It is a great tool for healing, so talk and talk.
You seem to be on the road to recovery! YAY!
I can feel your joy shine through this post.
OK, first the pix of Levi, Annabelle, and Matt are JUST GORGEOUS!
Second, I LOVE that you’re a talker and I think you’ve seen that you have a lot of people out here who are quite willing to listen to you! We LOVE to hear from you!
I also love to talk and I’m quite possibly guilty of dominating a conversation, too. I can’t NOT talk to someone, anyone near me. I think it’s just being friendly. We have a lot in common.
Actually, I now have laryngitis for the SECOND time this month! It’s a real killer for people like us who like to talk! At school today, I was whispering to the kids and they were whispering back. I just can’t stop talking so my voice will heal, but I’m sure I’m prolonging the laryngitis and probably that’s why it’s back again. It’s really tiring to strain and talk, but what else can I do? (Oh, I think my family is loving it, actually!)
Do you know what is causing your laryngitis? I suspected allergies, lack of sleep, and stress, but mine might actually be from overuse. I’m concerned about long-term damage because I couldn’t live without talking!
Jessica~just know it’s easy to “talk” on your blog and the world WANTS to hear from you!
Love,
Ruth
the pictures are beautiful! it is soooo good to see my babies again, i have missed them. i am so glad you are writing again too, i have missed your stories. i know you have been very busy and i cant imagine where you squeeze in time to write, but not only is it therapeutic for you, it makes other people happy to read your stories. i have also enjoyed talking to you on the phone alot more lately. you dont know how much hearing your voice over the past few weeks has made me feel better. i am getting there, slowly but surely. also, i love that you are a talker, i am a talker, we come from a long line of talkers, i swear sometimes i think i would tell anyone willing to listen my life history and like you sometimes i feel bad that i hog the conversation. joe will tell me when i talk to his kids on the phone, only a few mintues, cause he knows i wont shut up and i dont think they know how to get rid of me in a nice way yet lol, love you mama and keep on talking
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