I am not the first person (nor will I be the last) but I am one voice (among many) who is today deciding that is okay to tell people that I have postpartum depression. I do not know whether I have had postpartum depression since Levi was born (5 weeks ago) but what I can say is that about 2 weeks ago I found myself, without really knowing it, in misery.
I tried to tell my husband how I was feeling; lying awake staring at the ceiling and the clock while the baby was sleeping; praying, praying, praying that I could just go to sleep and everything would be okay again; hating myself and what was going on inside of me because it felt abnormal, unmotherly, inhumane, everything that I would never ever wish for myself or on anyone else; wishing that somehow my baby would just go away.
I confided in Levi’s doctor. Actually, we met with a nurse practitioner in the family practice; there I started to open up about the misery, the pain, the repugnance I felt with myself; we were there to talk about Levi’s colic . . . yes, I’d altered my diet (and I now see that I was too quick to draw conclusions by saying that it was my diet causing his condition) and thought for one evening (which I posted here) that it was over . . . I’d fixed Levi’s colic. Of course, I was wrong about that; it wasn’t and isn’t my fault that Levi has colic nor is it my fault that I’ve ended up where I am now . . .
I told the nurse practitioner that I felt like I wanted to go away. I told her I just wanted to get away from everything.
She prescribed zoloft. When I came home that night I told my husband more about my thoughts and we decided he’d take over night duty with Annabelle (who still wakes up at night from time to time) and that I would focus on the baby; this ended up being the worst night of my life. I would nurse Levi and watch him fall asleep but I could not console myself; my body trembled; my mind ached; my eyes hurt from being open for so long; I prayed and prayed to Jesus to take away my ugly thoughts; the next morning my husband stayed home and while he walked our daughter to preschool and brought Levi for a walk, I got in my car and drove myself to the ER; I stood before an old man working in triage and told him I thought I had postpartum depression and that I’d driven myself to the ER because I needed help; a nurse put her arm around me at that moment and I just bawled; sadly I did not receive medical care at this hospital; the nurses assured me that I’d be given medication for my nerves and that I’d need to pursue care elsewhere since there was no psychiatric care at this particular hospital; the doctor I saw told me to continue taking zoloft and to just “push on through” the days until it would “kick in”; what a bastard.
I believe God, serendipity, Jesus, Mary, Mother Earth, and Father Sky (and their human helpers here on planet earth) are what saved my ass. My husband decided to check me into a hotel after the first hospital let me go (I called him from the ER with the nurses’ encouragement to tell him where I’d gone; neighbors stepped in to help with our children while he came to the hospital; at this point he still thought that I was suffering from sleep deprivation). While waiting for him to get the hotel key, a postpartum doula called me to ask for my support for one of her clients (I am a leader for a local parenting support group); when the doula asked me how I was doing, I thought she’d been put in contact with me by a nurse from the hospital, so I told her how I felt depressed, hopeless, etc. She listened. She gave me a few contacts and information about postpartum depression which eventually, thank God, put me in a place where I could get the medical care that I needed.
I am home now. But. Here’s the thing. My husband has a great analogy for depression: he says it is as though I just fell off the top of a 5 story building (what a lovely way of putting things) and am now trying to climb my way up a long staircase. I asked him, “So you think it’s like I have broken bones and am climbing with injuries, huh?” and later added, “It mostly feels like I received a pretty bad head injury.” I am trying to have a sense of humor about this. Pospartum depression. Laugh, laugh. Going bonkers. Laugh, laugh. Crazy. More laughs. I am now the neighborhood fruit loop.
Meanwhile, do not despair. My baby is in good hands. My family came to take care of me (us); my baby is now taking formula (my family needed to give him a bottle) but I am doing my best to keep breastfeeding (my psychiatrist has basically told me that it may be something that I may want to let go of this time around . . . a huge loss for me since as many of your know, we practice gentle parenting and extended breastfeeding; I have nursed Annabelle since December 2006).
And for my head injuries? I am taking medications. I am going to attend postpartum support groups and I’m also doing things like trying to eat (my appetite went away), exercise, and be honest about my feelings (I suck at that . . . I’ve always been a perfectionist who hates to feel sad . . . truth be told, I’ve been feeling sad and angry for probably longer than I’d like to admit).
That’s it. I plan to share what I am going through here, one day at a time. I feel sorry that my blog, me, my life may turn some of you away; as you know, this is my place where I like to share good stuff; but right now I need to share the shitty stuff. I hope that is okay . . .
Lots of love inside of me despite all the ugliness,
Jessica
{ 51 comments }
Hi Mama,
You don’t know me, but I just found your blog a while back and have been reading it. I’m a mama of three, and although I haven’t had PPD, I have been isolated in depression in the past. Good for you for knowing you needed help.
Blessings in your recovery process.
Anno
I completely understand because I went through the same thing. I only recently got help for it because I also wanted to breastfeed. But when I look back I wish so much that I would have gone on medication sooner and stopped breastfeeding. I would have enjoyed my son more :( I really hope you start feeling better soon!
Zonnah, the poster before me, has a very good point.
Happiness of your children and yourself is much more important than anything else now. I know it’s not much consolation, but I was formula fed from day one, and I still got in the gifted & talented program throughout school. I still love my mom and cherish the beautiful memories we had together.
But of course we all want to have it all and do it all. I think you can come very close once you figure out your priorities (happiness, sleep, etc). Good luck and I will be keeping tuned in to this blog.
By the way, I think it is very nice of you to post your experiences here since it helps many women.
I’m so glad you were able to get some help after that naive ER doctor. Breastfeeding is a wonderful thing, but not if it’s affecting your ability to take care of and enjoy being with your child. I’m glad your family was able to come out to help. Best wishes as you work through this; I’ll be thinking of you.
You are so brave to share your experiences here. I’m thinking of you often, and please know that I’m here for you if you ever want to email or call!
I am so sorry you are having to go through this experience. I will hold you in prayer that the help you have surrounded yourself with will ease your fears and flustrations and see you through this hard time. May you find comfort soon.
Thanks for sharing your heart with us Jessica. You and your family will be in my daily prayers.
jessica – i know (believe me i know) that you cannot hear this right now but i am telling you anyways that you are doing a wonderful job as a person and a parent and that you are a truly beautiful and special person. i know ALL about depression and i am here for you ANY TIME. really. anytime.
you are brave to write this and hit publish. your children are blessed. breastfeeding can be a part time thing. and all that.
i need to finish cooking dinner for my kids but now you are in my prayers.
so happy to hear from you.
robin
a helpful link i hope:
http://www.kellymom.com/ppd/index.html
Yes, I think you are so brave to share your feelings. I won’t be scared away and I’m sure many people will feel better knowing that they are not the only ones to have these feelings. I’m sending good vibes your way!! Thanks for the update.
Thank you for your honesty. I’m so sorry that you are going through this. I remember when I delivered #2 and they talked to me about PPD and I left saying “Don’t worry, won’t happen to me.” And six weeks later I was back…literally freaking out.
It sucks. It’s totally shitty. You know how you’re supposed to feel but you just don’t feel it. You can’t get there. It looks so far away. And sometimes you just don’t even care. I remember being there.
Know you’ve got a blogland full of people (and I imagine plenty of people in real life) who are praying you through this. Please let me know if you need anything (other than love and prayers, which you already have from me.)
Peace and blessings – Amy
No need to apologize or fear that you’re going to turn me away1 This is your space. Your space to do with what you will. I’m so glad you were able to share your feelings and fears with all of us. My thoughts are with you through this difficult time.
Jessica, you are strong and brave to share all this, and to ask for help. You are taking steps to get better! And you will get better! You are still a wonderful parent and you are doing all you can for your children! Sometimes focusing on getting mama better is the best thing that you can do for them.
I know personally how very hard it is to get help for depression. I have dealt with it on and off for years and years, and it’s such a beast. Such a hole to fall into – and so hard to crawl out.
I should have been on medication after my first child was born, but I balked at the idea of going back on Zoloft and ended up with several miserable/crazed months (more than several actually…) of wanting to just crawl into a hole and curl up away from the world or just make the crying baby to go away. This time around I was more aware, but it still crept up on me from behind – I’m getting chemical help now. As much as I hate to admit that I need help….I need help. I do. So many of us do.
I’m so glad that you are getting both medical help and support. And family help.
Oh, and kellymom is a wonderful resource, and if you’re into online support the forums are full of wonderful loving mamas.
I wish I could give you a hug or offer a real shoulder. Sending good vibes your way! And remember, it’s not your fault that this happened. You have great strength to ask for help! I admire you for being persistent and getting what you need! Life and love and happiness will come back. They will.
-Naomi
Oh, sweetie, I just want to give you a hug. I really do. I suffered from a relatively mild case of PPD after my first child, Hannah, was born. It is not a pretty thing. But it is not your fault, and it does not make you a bad person or a bad mother.
I am glad that you have support. I will be keeping you in my thoughts. I know that you are going to come out the other side. In the meantime, just know that we are all holding you up as well as we can from the distance.
Oh Jessica…. thank you for writing this post. And thank goodness your post-partum doula friend called you when she did! I am glad you are getting the help you need.
I will keep you in my thoughts… May you find your way through this with much love.
We are all here to support you and listen to you as you heal and journey through this difficult and unexpected time. You are a wonderful mother for seeking help and for sharing in this space, I can imagine you are helping so many who are going through the same. Many blessings to you, you are in my thoughts and prayers! I know it does not feel like it now, but there is a light at the end of this tunnel! xo
It takes a strong mama to open your wounds up and share them here– and because you’ve done so, someone else in the same scary and hard and broken place may stumble across them…because you have done so, you’ve given voice to so many mama’s who struggle with PPD, and who feel like no one is hearing them, or worse, like they are alone in that hell. Hang in there, do all that you can to take care of yourself, trust in your tribe’s ability to watch over your babes, and know that by giving yourself permission to stare down this trauma and work through it, you will heal, and you will be able to again rejoice. Don’t put yourself in a box of “gentle parenting” or “extended breastfeeding.” Instead, put your heart first– know that you are exactly the mama your little ones need– regardless of any of the “musts” or “shoulds” because in the end, they’ll thank you more for the way you showed them what true healing and faith and love means.
all the best…
Thank you so much for sharing your story. You are not turning people away. You are doing a great service and there is no doubt your story will help someone else who feels alone, ashamed and like a defective mother — who doesn’t realize that PPD is a common and very treatable illness.
I am glad you are now on the way to recovery. You are not alone — you are among hundreds of thousands of warrior moms who go through PPD and come out on the other side. Come hang out with us at Postpartum Progress and see! Many blessings …
I think it is great that you are posting your experience because it will help others. You are a great mom – don’t ever doubt that for a second. They always say the baby will be fine, you need to take care of yourself. This is true. Don’t worry about breastfeeding or fret over anything that you may not be able to do right now. You need to take care of yourself for Annabelle and Levi and need to focus on getting better so you can continue being a great mom.
Lots of prayers for you & your sweet family. Thanks for being so honest- and so brave. Hang in there. You’re not alone.
Hi Jessica,
I hope you get over this very fast and the good times come back again soon. You are such a positive person. Don’t let the negative feelings take over you!!!
Lots of prayers…
No words of wisdom, but I am thinking of you and your family and hoping that things get better soon. :hug:
I only have one kid in the AM – what can I do – seriously – a walk in the sunshine? taking a kid so you can rest? Walking to the playground together with the kids? E’s in preschool MWF & we’re free as a crew all afternoons – seriously, USE ME! Email me your phone # so we can connect,
Emma
You are not the neighborhood fruit loop!
You are a strong, amazing, and wonderful mama who KNEW when it was time to get help. You recognized the idiocy of the ER doc (SHAME ON HIM), have a wonderful support system, and are doing what YOU need to get better for yourself so you can take care of your kids.
It’s ok to fall apart every once in awhile. We all need to hit that place where we just let go and then rebuild ourselves. That’s what you’re doing. And when you’re done, I bet you’ll be even more brilliant than before.
As evidenced by this comment thread, you are certainly not alone, certainly not pushing folks away (and if you’ve gotten nasty email about this, hit delete and don’t worry about them – they don’t get it and you don’t need the negativity!). Instead you’ve got a great online support too!
I will be keeping you in my prayers as you go through this. Take care of yourself, k?
Warmest,
Lauren
You are brave, and not alone! I too am climbing through PPD with post partum anxiety. I have been completely open and this has helped me in MANY ways. However long it takes – you are worth it! Peace Love and Grace to you always. Remember this:
“He (or she) who saves one life is as if he saved an entire world.” – This includes saving yourself! With patience, love and some humor, and your strength. I will climb along side you.
Helen
Big hugs to you! You’re not alone, you did the right thing, and I understand how you feel. For me, talking openly about my PPD was probably what helped me the most. It took so much energy trying to hide it that I couldn’t focus on getting healthy. Once I let go of my “secret,” my healing truly began. I did the meds, I did therapy, I read books… all played a roled. It will get better… Just take things one moment at a time.
Kudos to you for getting help – for sharing your feelings honestly – for this blog which is bound to help others.
You say, “Lots of love inside of me despite all the ugliness,”
And “ugliness” is one good way to describe PPD. But your sharing is beautiful. People need to know that this can happen to “with-it” moms, smart moms, otherwise fortunate moms and that seeking help is an act of honor and bravery and a gift to those you love.
My wishes for your speedy recovery.
I too suffered from ppd (and prenatal depression and post-partum ptsd). I can tell you, it will end. You will get better. My daughter is 3 now, and I can hardly believe how happy I am, how much I love mothering and life. It sounds like you are just doing a great job of taking care of yourself, of being honest, of loving your family and yourself. Blessings and peace to you. Thank you for sharing so honestly!
Yes. Me too. Mari is 5 months old. I’m seeing a therapist. Thank you for saying exacly, exactly how my life got all shitty too.
I’m right there with you right now…struggling through.
Big hugs from me..good vibes…
I look forward to hearing what steps you take to battle this :)
Life is full of ups and downs…if people truly care about you they listen to you speak of both and they aren’t put off :)
you are not alone! i have been there too. i felt like i had fallen into a dark black death hole with no hope of ever escaping. i was so anxious i couldn’t drive or make sense of a menu. it is a very frightening experience. BUT you will start to feel less and less horrible and then a little better and a little better until eventually you will remember back to how terrible you FELT and realize that you don’t feel that way any longer. until then – share with those who understand what you are going through. we are here.
Thank you so much for sharing and for being willing to continue to update what lies before you on your blog. It will be a gift to many, most especially yourself. I found lots of healing and support through my blog- it has probably been more of a blessing to me than others, which is the wonderful way that God created service to others- it comes back to you twofold. God bless you and feel free to contact me if you ever want to talk. I have been where you are and climbed, slowly, painfully out of it into a place of sanity, peace (most of the time), and gratefulness for the appreciation I now have for my mental health and enjoyment of motherhood.
Hi, You don’t know me, but I KNOW your PPD. It is SHITTY, and I too pray and pray and pray and KNOW in the end IT WILL GET BETTER. Keep on keeping on. . .and know you are not a fruit loop. . .you are another woman who has to battle the PPD nightmare. . .We’ll all love you through it . . .
Jessica,
I just heard about your blog from the Post Partum Progress blog. I think you are brave and amazing for sharing your story so honestly. I too am battling PPD right now and have only just now started seeking help and my son is 11 MONTHS OLD! Forget fruit loops, I think you are a whole bowl of Lucky Charms! As hard as it is right now, you have spoken up and spoken out and you are not only going to save yourself and your wonderful family but you are helping save other moms just like me who desperately need to hear we are not the only ones.
I am so grateful for you and I am praying for you.
You are beautiful. A wonderful, gifted person who sees life with such grace and beauty. Your blog has certainly been a gift to me, so sharing when you feel so inclined.
I went through ppd/anxiety with my daughter…ppd is a thief. Be gentle with yourself.
I’ll be thinking of you and sending you healing thoughts and prayers.
I have been struggling with what to say…..with what would being comfort. I hope you are feeling better. I cannot believe that the doctor’s were not more helpful initially—but on the other hand I can. I am so sorry!
I am sure you and your family are scared but I am so thankful you recognized what is going on and are reaching out for help.
I had mild postpartum depression after my second child, too. It took me about 4 months to feel like my old self. If you need anything please don’t hesitate. I would be happy to watch the kids, bring you dinner, etc.
For me, talking about my feelings seemed to help the most and I am so glad your website is helping you vent and get support. Please take care of yourself. I know it is hard to accept that some of your parenting techniques might be different now or in the long run, but take heart that your kids are getting what they need–even if it isn’t from you—right now.
Sending prayers and hugs your way. Please let us help!
I am so sorry that you have to go through this. I wish I could be there to help with the kids or make you a few dishes.
You do whatever you need to do to get better. Don’t worry about everything else. I am glad you have found the support & help you need. You have a place to share your feeling here with us.
Biggest of hugs!
R
My dear Jessica,
I am so sorry it took me so long to find this, but my heart is breaking for you. You are a perfect, loving mother and wife and you are extremely smart to know when something was not feeling right. You are so strong and brave to take the necessary steps to make things right for you and your family again. You know how much support you have in your daily life, with your family and friends, and with your family of blogging friends as well.
You have provided the perfect life for Annabelle and Levi and you will continue to do that with the help of those around you. Please do not think that you are in this alone or that you are responsible for everyone else’s happiness. You are a perfect mother in every day, but please let others help you. Don’t try to do everything by yourself.
With love and prayers,
Ruth
I wish I was nearby to help in person. I will think healing thoughts for you. I think I wrote in an earlier comment to you “to everything there is a season.” This season of misery will pass too.
may love and light surround you as you climb out of this low place,
Aisling
Hang in there and know that you are loved.
Hey honey,
You’re not turning me away, that’s for sure. I’m bad at keeping up with blogs so I didn’t even know this was happening until I just saw your FB post. Girl, I have been there. A *lot*. Giving up in a huff in the middle of the night and locking myself in the bathroom to cry.. wishing for that “break” but the breaks never help. It must be so hard not having a big local support system. I’m here for you, though. I’m not too far away. I know somewhere along the way we stopped hanging out and I’m all kinds of socially anxious which is why I don’t really make plans much. :) Anyway, I’m a phone call/email away.
Jess, I’m so sorry you have to through this. I can relate to what you’re going through. Just know that you are never stuck and that there is hope and people who love you that will help you get through this. I will keep you in my prayers.
Love and hugs,
Jennifer
Thank you so much for your honesty, and your ability to recognize that you need help, accept it, and move on with support from your family. So many, many people just push it under the rug and lives for years in unhappiness, which in turn brings down the whole family. I am proud of you for opening up and doing what is best!
I will keep you in my prayers and check back soon:)
Shelley
you truly never cease to amaze me. you are so brave and thoughtful to share your story with others. talking and getting it out there is a huge help for both you and others who may not have been as brave to ask for help. life is hard, no doubt. you will get through this with prayer, love, patience, family, friends and rest. my heart broke to seee you so hurt and today when i heard your smile over the phone i knew my boo was on her way back. you are a truly remarkable women and mother and i love you with all my being. i was truly blessed the day god decided i could be your mama. i am only sorry i live so far away from you, and as soon as i am better i will be down for a girl day. love you mama
Hi-
I just came across your post which was linked to mama-om. I suffered from ppd too after my son was born. I waited until he was 16 months to go on zoloft. What a mistake! I should have done it way earlier–it was a godsend. What I really want to point out though, is that zoloft is considered safe to take while breastfeeding. Studies show that almost no zoloft passes into breastmilk and that it is the safest antidepressant to take during nursing. Check out kellymom.com for more info on this. Blessings to you and your family. You will feel better soon!
PPD is serious and you are amazing for calling it by name and seeking help. Sounds like you have built a good network which is excellent. You are an inspiration to so many of us who feel embarrassed or too ashamed to reach out. Thank you so much for writing about this in such an honest and open way!
Jessica,
Still thinking of and praying for you.
Hang in there and know there is a community of women who both understand what you’re going through and love you through it!!
I have been suffering with PPD for 22 months now and I can completely relate with the dark feelings and the confusion. I received help the same time I had the first SCARY thought. I feel everyday that I am getting better so I have hope that this illness will eventually fade away. It is a long journey and 3 doctors later, I have figured out that you can not put a time frame on this… I wish you the best of luck and remember you are definitely not alone!
This sounds hauntingly familiar to what I went through after the birth of my son (now 28 mos.). I ended up begging my husband to take me to the ER. The Zoloft took awhile to kick in but, I do believe it was literally a life saver. Athough, we would like to have another child, I am apprehensive because I am so scared to go through this again. My son was colicky as well, and was never a good sleeper…still isn’t. Anyway, I just wanted to let you know, I feel your pain and can definitely empathize. Hang in there, it doesn’t seem like it now, but it does get better! Hopefully, it already has!
I’m a therapist…but I’m also a mom who has been depressed before. My depression was somewhat related. After I had my daughter I couldn’t produce enough milk. I tried every herb, tea, and even prescribed medicine to be able to breast feed. I did this almost 4 months. For 4 months I would try to breastfeed, pump, and since there wasn’t enough bottle feed as well. The cycle lasted so long that when I was done doing all three-it was almost time to start again. I’d do this all day for not enough enough milk to fill one little bottle. When I let go of being able to breastfeed my life was so much better. I could finally sleep…Ask yourself if there is anything you can let go to make your life simpler. Take one night a week (AT LEAST) and disappear for at least 5 hours doing something like getting a massage.
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