Over these past two weeks, as much as I’ve been in awe (and in a state of delirium) with my new babe, I have wondered, “Will I ever blog again?” Putting together a coherent sentence while simply talking with other people has been something of a challenge, so you can only imagine how hard it is to translate thoughts to words on a written page. I’ve revised and revised the last few sentences because even though I am highly caffeinated (thanks to Starbucks black tea), I just can’t think straight. There goes blogging, huh?
Well, I don’t think so. I think what I’ll do today since I’ve really been wanting to write is simply share words as they flow into my mind; here is what’s happening:
bronchitis. yuck. I always seem to get bronchitis when I’m going through a change . . . a good change, a difficult change, an inversion of one’s existence kind of change. A welcome change.
preschool. Annabelle met her teacher yesterday. I deal with letting go by getting angry. I feel all sorts of angry (guilty) about sending Annabelle to school at age 2. I feel all sorts of guilty about not being able to craft, read, run around with her as much during these past 2 weeks. My husband (my other half) tells me that preschool will be good for Annabelle, good for me. We’ll see . . . I feel jealous of her teacher. Her teacher told me about all these neat crafts and activities planned for Annabelle and 5 other kids. I want to be able to do these things with her. I want to be able to do everything. I realize this is leading to another word . . .
expectations. I need to pair down. I need to not have expectations. One foot in front of the other . . . it’ll all get done, the laundry will get folded, the baby will be fed, Annabelle will be tickled and cuddled with; it all just happens slower; walking from the front door to the car now takes about an hour . . .
weaning. my stomach turns over. guilt again. I don’t think I can keep up with nursing two kids. the bronchitis again. I wonder whether my body is able to support 3 immune systems and feed a big, big baby boy. He gained one and a half pounds in these past 2 weeks . . . I’d worried that I wasn’t producing enough milk; apparently baby boys in my family grow big and grow fast . . . so different from nursing a wee baby girl, who didn’t reach 9 lbs. until she was somewhere around 3 or 4 months old; Levis has already grown an inch and reached 9 lbs. 8 and a half oz. He’s always hungry . . . and then Annabelle looks up at me with big eyes wanting to nurse and I feel awful because I want to keep big growing baby boy happy and still meet Annabelle’s needs for comfort and bonding . . . I tickle her instead . . . I squeeze her and make her laugh . . . I pretend to eat an Annabelle-foot sandwich with ketchup and mustard. She loves that . . .
laundry. oh there is always more laundry. always. thank goodness my husband seems to be on top of it. Annabelle, Levi, and me? We just create it.
camera. snapped photos twice. viewing them on the camera? done. viewing and sharing them with friends and family . . . well that’s another story.
baby carriers. praise the creators of baby carriers all the world round! My goodness, I have 2 arms again! . . . and sometimes just one but heck, I’ll settle for one arm! I can, when Levi lets me, sit down and do this thing known as blogging . . . it’s amazing! When Levi isn’t nursing or begging to nurse, he’s snug against my chest either in a carrier or laying down. I don’t think I could eat, use the toilet, or have a conversation (with that guy who lives with me (the one who folds laundry)) if it weren’t for baby carriers. I cannot say enough good things about baby carriers. Love them all! Though I’m looking forward to Levi filling out my Ergo. Always had a thing for structured carriers.
Pre-pregnant me. Yeah I wonder whether I’ll ever see her again. Nope. I doubt it. I am forever changed. Mentally, physically, spiritually. My heart is now split between 3 . . . I get all weepy just thinking about it . . . I will never again not worry about my 3 loves: Annabelle, Matt, and Levi. I will always want to know that they’re all okay, well, healthy, happy, safe, doing no harm and out of harm’s way. And then there’s my rear end. I wonder whether it’ll ever go back to how it was. Doubt it. A friend told me she just went out and bought a new wardrobe after baby #2 . . . it’s been 2 weeks. I think I’ll wait on wardrobe splurges for a while . . . besides, my baby is nursing around the clock and I’ve already lost more than half my pregnancy weight . . . between the constant movement he seems to like (require) and all the nursing, I imagine my physical self will resemble something of its pre-pregnant form . . . and so what if it doesn’t? My inside self is changed too and I just rambled about that and I’m not revising this so well, I’m wondering about other mamas, did you feel yourself change inside and out when your baby(ies) came?
Gotta go. Need to walk with Levi a bit more, :-)
Hugs, peace and love,
Jessica
{ 14 comments }
Oh, Jessica, I feel for you. I found the transition from 1 child to 2 to be harder, in many ways, than the transition from 0 to 1. I felt as if my older child was being constantly shortchanged. I felt like every little thing was so hard.
I worked part-time after my 1st was born, so we kept her in daycare 3 days a week when my 2nd was born. I’ve felt guilty about that, but it really has been a lifesaver. My older child is doing age-appropriate activities in a nurturing setting. I get some one-on-one time with my baby, which wouldn’t happen otherwise. And then when I do have both of them I’m in a better frame of mind.
Annabelle is going to be just fine. It’s a big change for her, but kids are resilient and adaptable. In fact, she’s probably going to be better than fine. She has a brother now, which is a tremendous gift and one that she will come to appreciate so much. Just go easy on yourself during the adjustment phase, and know that it will get better. In the same way that you learned to live life with one baby you’ll learn to live life with two, and sooner than you expect.
Hey, I don’t think I ever sent my congratulations on new Baby Levi! Congrats!! Thanks for the update. I sent my daughter to preschool when her baby sister came along and she loved it (I think it’s good for them to get a break from baby and make friends with kids their own age). It’s been 5 years since baby #2 and my body will never be like before, but there was a thin moment when she was 9 months old. With all that breastfeeding you’re bound to keep losing the weight – seems like it just takes more time. OK, hope you’re feeling better soon.
Wishing all four of you peace and blessings. You seem to be counting the latter (and I’m glad!), but try courting the former (in regard to the decisions you’re making). With hope, you will find peace soon (rather than guilt or feeling like you’re shortchanging A.). Look forward to seeing you soon.
Glad to hear from you!
At this point, you could write “hi” and I’d be happy :)
I hope the bronchitus clears up soon, and I’m sure you’ll all adjust before you know it. And you can always smile and be happy that you’re not still pregnant!
I can identify with so much of what you’ve written here! I weaned my son before my youngest was born after much deliberation about whether or not to tandem nurse. I decided my body couldn’t handle it, and I do think I made the right decision (for my particular situation), but I weaned late enough that my son still remembered nursing and it was hard for him (and me) to sit and watch his baby sister nurse for the first few weeks. We just passed the one month mark and he seems to be fine with it now. This morning he lay on the bed and cuddled the baby while she nursed and talked about how cute she was.
I remember the first month being the hardest when I went from one to two, and I think the same has been true with the transition from two to three. Things will get better, and if you’ve already lost over half of your pregnancy weight I’m sure the rest will come off too over time. One month out from baby #3 I’ve lost about half of my pregnancy weight and I’m okay with how I look, but none of my pre-baby jeans fit. I’ll wait at least another month before giving up on that though.
I hope your bronchitis gets better soon – my husband currently has bronchitis too (he gets it whenever he feels stressed or loses sleep).
Hi Greenmama,
I am a friend of woowoo mama’s and found your blog through hers. I just want to thank you for sharing all this…I am 34 weeks pregnant with my first and love to learn from others. It seems you are a good one to learn from. I also love the name Levi. I wanted to share that with you as well. Do the best you can at taking good care of yourself and the big three.
Emily
Gosh, my dear, I remember feeling all this same stuff like it was yesterday. And it wasn’t yesterday, it was over five years ago. That change from one to two is so different from zero to one. The guilt about shortchanging the first child, the anger and worry about your body (will it ever be the same??), feeling like you’re being pulled in a thousand different directions…when is the time for me, when do I get to write/dance/sing/work/whatever again?…it is HARD. An uncomfortable, icky, messed up place to be. A place where its hard to find peace or comfort. Always wishing you were somewhere else.
I’m thinking of you and wishing you peace and comfort as you find your way through this transition. :)
Oh Jessica, this is so beautifull written I think it just captures that post baby time … its so hard. It does get easier, but I remember at the time I just couldn’t imagine anything beyond the current moment. It wasn’t till number two was past 4 months that the fog lifted for me … sometimes it still hasn’t. The workload is beyond belief, and the “heartload” of two children can be almost too intense to bear, especially when you are not well yourself. (Get yourself some Weleda Plantago for your chest, it will help!) They are lucky to have such a wonderful mama! Sending you love and support from across the world! Gypsyxx
hi hi hi! i just got back online after surviving a failed/dead hard drive experience. so here i am starting out fresh. the first thing i wanted to do was come to check on you and your babe.
reading this post really brought me back (to exactly a year ago) and i just wanted to tell you please, if at all possible, trust your gut and try not to over think things. it took me a long time to wake up and feel like it made sense that i had two children. things seemed to shift in three month increments for me…by three months it felt more real, by six months i was starting to adjust better, and so on. now at a year i feel like we are really finding our rhythm. i know that two weeks in this isn’t the best news…except to take the pressure off. get through each day as best you can. relish in the moments of joy. being accepting of the difficulty and know that in time it will lift.
try to let go of guilt, it really doesn’t bring much of use to the table, and hold onto gratitude. not easy, not something we achieve in this lifetime even, but worth trying for.
the other recent focus i am loving…really truly living in the moment. just another attempt for me to get out of my head and into the present.
ok, most of all congrats and don’t worry i know you are doing great!
I think you are amazing to be posting at all with a newborn! No experience with two children (I hope one day I will be blessed to have another) but I remember when sunnyboy was born it took more than two weeks just to address an envelope for a thank you card to my aunt.
Hope your bronchitis gets better very soon. :)
Ah, those words and emotions sound so, so, so familiar. I don’t think anyone warned me, when I had my second or third child, how much other *stuff* I would feel– there is the joy and awe of the newest babe, of course, but there is also the guilt and heartbreak (did you know some say lungs are where we store grief?) and changing relationship of the siblings that sit waiting patiently (or not so patiently) for nursing or cuddling or anything alone with mama. A friend of mine did say to me that there is some grief that comes with realizing an older child is no longer the baby– because we do let our children grow in bits and pieces, and the change in family dynamics, the indication that our child is old enough to have a new baby, a preschool teacher, a possible weaning (a mama does have to take care of herself too– and if you are feeling depleted, nobody wins), etc. all leads us to that understanding…hang in there mama– your words alone tell me what a gift you are to your babes–
warmly,
kate
Congratulations on welcoming a new little one into your arms : )
Many warm healing wishes to you as you battle feeling sick and are navigating this new journey going from one to two children. You will be just fine mama, it takes a bit to get used to this new rhythm but it will all work out smoothly for everyone is no time at all. Big hugs : )
Jessica,
I LOVE your stream-of-consciousness writing! I remember those days post-birth as if it were just yesterday and I shared many of your same thoughts. I think every mother does . . . and there’s one thing every mother shares, too—feelings of guilt. Am I doing enough for each of my children? Am I taking care of everyone? etc., etc.
Please know, my dear, that you are doing EVERYTHING for EVERYONE in a PERFECT fashion, and somehow you must try to do something for YOURSELF. I know that each and every minute is totally consumed with your wonderful family and they are wonderful because of you. The way you’re doing everything is perfect and just right for you, so stop second-guessing yourself and enjoy. Who cares if the laundry, dishes, etc. pile up?
I’ll never forget am embroidery piece my Mom made me when my first (Abbie) was born. It was a picture of a woman in a rocking chair with a baby and the verse said something about housework was on hold . . . “. . . cobwebs can go to sleep, because I’m rocking my baby and babies don’t keep!”
Loving thoughts your way,
Ruth
Oh Jessica,
I had to laugh as I read your post today. Surely every mom who has two little people to care for feels the same way. When my second was born, I felt like I was in a fog, wondering when (or if) my mind would function as it used to function. Whether or not the body will ever return is a question for the gods…
Someone just suggested recently that my daughter would love preschool – and it’s true – she would. But, like you, I felt the jealousy of not wanting anyone else to teach her just yet. Hang in there. Maybe it will give you the opportunity to rest a little with Levi and greet the time you have with her – with a fresh & rejuvenated mind and body. I hope so!!
Monna :)
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