Gentle Discipline

Isn’t it funny how different parts of our lives always seems to overlap and coincide with other parts? For example, right now I am preparing to become more active in my local chapter of Attachment Parenting International; part of my preparation involves a good deal of reading. So far I have read a number of books written by William and Martha Sears, as well as several La Leche League publications. Just today I started reading Connection Parenting by Pam Leo, which so far has been a breath of fresh air for me since Leo asks parents to take a closer look at how we were parented so that we can better understand how we are parenting and how we want to parent. It may seem obvious to many parents that they learned how to parent (both the good and challenging tendencies) from their own parents and caregivers; however, Leo’s book allows parents to describe their parenting goals by listing what nurtures and what hurts, and then to analyze their own experiences as children by noting what kind of parenting nurtured them or hurt them. Completing this exercise is eye opening because it allows parents to see areas that challenge them and what they need to focus on to be more nurturing to their own children.

Connection Parenting could not have arrived in my life at a better time. I have shared my parenting challenges here in the past, but recently, I have felt more concerned about how to manage my relationship with my daughter; as she approaches age 2, Annabelle expresses more and more frustration, as well as a desire to have her own space (and yet clinging to me all the while). I often feel confused and have told friends and other parents that I am overwhelmed and uncertain of how to proceed. Always a student, I turn to books but I also turn to my peers and veteran parents (many who I admire with a healthy dose of skeptism) for parenting tips and reassurance. Among the many parents I know, I observe some who set limits for their children by threatening time outs, some who “natter” their children with critical remarks, some who set no limits because they dislike seeing their child get frustrated, and some who use size and other methods to intimidate their children. Because I was raised by two different kinds of parents–one was an authoritarian and the other was more passive–I feel challenged because I want to establish a balance, implementing firm but gentle limits for my toddler.

Luckily, there are always the Sears, in whom I tend to find resonating information and strategies for parenting and disciplining in a gentle way. While I am busy reading and working on the exercises that Leo provides in Connection Parenting, I am thirstily marking the pages and advice in the Sears’ Discipline Book. In addition, my husband and I are reading books about feelings to Annabelle; her favorite one is currently The Way I Feel by Janan Cain. After one especially upsetting tantrum, Annabelle walked over to her bookshelf and pulled Cain’s book down. Together she and I read through the story and talked about the different emotions described in the book and the scenarios that provoke our many human emotions. I asked her whether she felt sad and angry (her crying and yelling made me think so) and she nodded her head repeating the words to me. Later she signed “hurt” and pointed to her mouth, as if to say, “Mommy, my teeth are hurting and that is why I am feeling crummy.” It is really important for me, as her parent, to be able to recognize that her behavior is always rooted in something and that is not simply a child’s attempt to control a situation and exert power over their parent. At the same time, as a loving and gentle parent, I need to encourage my daughter to grow by setting healthy limits for her (the Sears discuss setting practical rules like holding hands when crossing the parking lot or street, which makes sense to me).

Right now, my feelings on other ways to discipline my toddler are mixed. The Sears have a gentle variation on the time out technique, but they recommend that parents refrain from treating it as a punishment.

What are your experiences with parenting a toddler who is exerting his or her will in a challenging way? What kinds of situations challenge you as a parent? I am eager to learn how to parent and discipline my daughter in a gentle and positive way. At the end of the day, I want to reflect on the moments that brought a smile to my face, and I want for my daughter to feel safe and happy. Your thoughts are always appreciated.

Jessica