Positive Discipline and the Terrible Twos

Nurturing a trusting relationship with my daughter Annabelle is one aspect of mothering that I value most. Over these past 19 months, I have made it my priority to be physically available to Annabelle, to nurse her on demand, to sleep beside her for naps and at nighttime, to learn with her, to laugh with her, to dance, play peek-a-boo, and listen to her as the world and its existence unfolds in her life. Mothering has been the defining experience of my life.

So it is challenging and scary for me as I enter a new phase of our relationship; Annabelle is turning 2 this December and let’s just say that her behavioral and emotional palettes are expanding. It seems that even with an ever growing vocabulary, “no” is her favorite word, sentence, and perhaps even, philosophy. Sometimes I feel as though she so frequently responds with “No!” that I must interject with an option that she is sure to say “yes” to. Linguistically, I wonder, isn’t “yes” as easy as “no” to say? Shouldn’t my daughter be able to form the word “yes” upon her lips? The simple answer, at least in our house, is “no.”

Being the sensitive and reflective soul that I am, whenever a problem crops up in my life, whether it be work related, with friends, family, etc., I tend to search for answers (and perhaps comfort too) in books.

Right now a stack of positive discipline books rests upon my desk. I am referencing these books with the hope that I will uncover the magical way to listen so that my daughter learns how to talk (and not scream) and how to talk so that my daughter will listen. Not to be a cynic, but when I am reading all of this upbeat advice about parenting, I wonder, is it possible to be so levelheaded and reasonable when my almost 2 year old is screaming at me or standing up on her table set?

I want to practice gentle discipline and be a helpful, loving, and compassionate mother to her, but sometimes when I practice positive parenting (especially when I am at my wit’s end and at a loss to reason), I often feel like a fraud. Over and over I ask myself whether or not my daughter needs to be “corrected” or disciplined for something she is doing and whether or not I am suffering from a desire to control a situation when there is no real need to intervene. And then there are those moments when I fear that I allow my daughter to walk all over me, calling the shots, and behaving well, like a little diva.

With all of my parenting concerns multiplying and the stack of positive discipline books piling up, I happily opened an old notebook from a few months back to reread my notes from the book How to Talk So Kids Will Listen by Adele Faber. One of my favorite lines from Faber’s book is “When kids feel right, they’ll behave right” (2), and “Parents don’t usually accept their children’s feelings.” To be honest, as much as these lines resonate with gentle parenting (and my ideal of myself as a gentle and positive parent), I often find that while I am completely accepting of my daughter’s feelings, I don’t always appreciate her accompanying behavior.

Here’s a few pointers from Faber that I once found helpful and am hoping will work again and again:

Helping a Child in Distress

1. Listen to the child with your full attention.

2. Acknowledge your child’s feelings with a word; for example, say, “Oh,” “Uh-huh,” and “I see.”

3. Give a name to your child’s feelings; for example, say, “You seem frustrated.”

4. Grant your child’s wishes with a fantasy.

Regarding the above advice, I have to say that when I apply these suggestions to moments when my daughter is expressing difficult emotions, the results are not always a happy and satisfied child. Rather, she has responded to me with greater frustration when I calmly use a word to name her feelings or I remark that I wish her desire were a reality (for both of our sakes). What I am trying to say is that these suggestions likely add up to lots and lots of practice. What I am learning from Faber’s tips is that I need to accept my daughter’s feelings, even when I don’t like her behavior.

Faber recommends that parents avoid consoling their child by offering a logical explanation when the child is in distress; logic will not alleviate a child’s protests. However, while parents should name a child’s feelings and accept such feelings, parents should also set limits; for example, a child may feel angry but he or she may not use their fists to show their feelings. Faber explains that accepting a child’s feelings does not mean parenting in a passive way; our children are looking for guidance and boundaries from the adults in their lives.

Another important aspect of accepting your child’s feelings is to refrain from asking your child “Why” he or she feels a particular way. By asking our children why something is upsetting to them, we are requesting that they justify their emotions to us; when I think of my own adult experiences with difficult emotions, I know that is not always easy to articulate the cause (and my vocabulary is more diverse than my 19 month old’s). Besides, isn’t it belittling to ask someone to explain why they feel one way or another? Are we not entitled for feel how we feel?

How to Talk so Kids Will Listen is extensive in its description of scenarios of helping our children manage their emotions; to get started with the parenting initial tips mentioned here, I think I will spend a week or two practicing, and I am certain that Annabelle will provide me with ample opportunities to pay attention to her, to name her feelings, accept her feelings, to help her work through her feelings (like granting her desires with a fantasy), and to practice setting limits for her behavior.

Positive and gentle discipline is going to take a fair amount of effort, patience, and compassion (for myself and for Annabelle). Building a trusting relationship with my daughter that lasts a lifetime is of great importance to me, so I am willing to give gentle, positive discipline my best efforts, even when I feel like a fraud.

How do other parents manage their child’s difficult emotions and behavior? What other techniques do parents call on to guide themselves through their child’s challenging phases? And last, I am eager to learn how other parents practice setting fair but firm boundaries for their children.